Despite the unpopularity of President Trump and a lot of his policies, the Democrats are still struggling against him as they’re seen as a bunch of weird psychos who don’t even like this country. So how can the Democrats turn things around? I have 9 easy steps to fix the party for them.

How to Fix the Democratic Party

1. Invite all the trans activists to a secret meeting. They’ve been a big problem for the Democratic Party, so it’s time to have a frank talk with them.

2. Discuss the need for a compromise. That’s what’s needed for the Democrats to win again — they can’t have the trans activists calling all the shots. They need to be told that politicians have to be allowed to take more common-sense stances on trans issues.

3. Get out of that room! As expected, at the mention of even the mildest compromise, they completely freaked out and threatened to kill themselves and others. Get out of there and shut the door behind you!

4. Seal them away for a thousand years. Oh, I forgot to mention earlier you’ll be having the meeting in an underground cavern with lots of powerful glyphs on the door. Now that you’ve locked all the trans activists inside, you can seal them away for a millennium, making them a problem for the Democrats far, far in the future (and, let’s be frank, the country will have collapsed from debt long before then).

5. Make the wording on the warning outside the seal very clear. You just need to make sure under no circumstances does anyone open that door. So write lots of warnings of how dangerous what’s sealed inside is (to political prospects). Hmm, maybe you went way over the top with the threats, and people will think you just made all that up so people won’t open the sealed door and find all the gold you hid inside.

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It’s kind of unclear if the Iran war is winding down or not, but still, we probably should start thinking about whom to have a war with next, as there are still a lot of enemies out there. Here are some suggestions for the next war:

Cuba — It’s Communist and really close by. Seems like an easy one if we’re looking for a fun pick-up war.

Russia — They used to be our big rival, but now they’re a bit pathetic and locked in a quagmire in Ukraine. Maybe it’s time to finally fulfill the promise of the 80s and take them out.

Canada — Another one nearby, so there aren’t big travel expenses. Plus, they have oil.

Mars — Technically, we don’t know of anyone to fight there, but still, it would be cool to have our first war against another planet. As soon as Elon gets us there, let’s declare war!

Mexico — A nearby one again (certainly closer than Mars), but unlike with other countries where we want something, with them, we want them to keep something (all their people). Plus, there are the cartels to take out. Ever seen Sicario? Fun movie!

The UK — They were our biggest enemy starting out, so maybe it’s time for a rematch. The way they’re getting, though, this may be too similar to all those wars we have in the Middle East.

China — This is a big one and won’t be an easy battle. Plus, a lot of stuff is going to get really expensive while we are at war with them. Better save this for after we run out of easier opponents.

Ourselves — Really, the only opponent worthy of the U.S. is ourselves, so maybe we should have another civil war.

Even though the U.S. is super advanced and civilized, there are still lots of violent dummies out there. Part of us defending against that is NATO, but what exactly is NATO? Here are all the facts you need to know…

• NATO stands for National American Tactical Organization… or something else that starts with N, A, T, and O.

• Initially gained lots of members with its popular “NATO is Great-o!” campaign.

• It was formed because Russia is kind of dumb and likes invading places and places don’t like getting invaded.

• With NATO, the agreement is if Russia gets all dumb and invades a country in NATO, they will all work together to fight Russia. That’s why it’s all countries in Europe, but somehow they tricked the U.S. into signing as well since we actually know how to fight.

• It seems kind of a gyp for the U.S. because we’re not even that near Russia — except for Alaska. So I guess if Russia invades Alaska, Belgium will come help us. Yay.

• The whole thing made Russia angry, because they’re like, “If I can’t invade NATO countries, then who am I supposed to invade?” Countries not in NATO, dummies!

• Apparently, Ukraine wanted to be in NATO, which Russia found very threatening because they are threatened by countries that don’t like be invaded, because again, Russia is like dumb and violent.

• But Ukraine was not in NATO when Russia invaded, so we didn’t have to send ground troops. We just sent money, which some people are angry about, but if the money had stayed in the U.S., it would have just been spent on making poor fat kids even fatter.

• Trump has talked about leaving NATO. I mean, we definitely don’t need Europe to help protect us from Russia. And Europe is now so full of Muslims that if Russia invaded them, it would be like Afghanistan all over again.

• If we do leave NATO, we can use all the money we save from that to finally set the Guinness World Record for fattest poor kids ever.

The Democrats are desperate to find a normal white man to run as a candidate. They think he will mean an easy election victory for them. But so far, they’ve struck out. They tried to act like Tim Walz was a normal midwesterner, but he was pretty fruity. Then they got Graham Platner in Maine, but he’s got a Nazi tattoo for some reason. And now they have James Talarico in Texas and they were like, “Oh, he’s a Christian,” but he’s the weirdest of the bunch going on about how Jesus is trans or something.

It’s like if there are normal white men out there, they’re not in the Democratic party. Still, I have a solution.

Frank’s 7 Step Plan for Democrats to Get a Normal White Man as a Nominee

1. Find a hobo who has been living under a bridge.

   

   You’re probably going, “Why a hobo living under a bridge?” Well, one of the biggest problems Dems have is that anyone they want to portray as normal probably wrote on social media during peak woke something like, “I love Latinx trans kids because they’re not white!” So you need someone who wasn’t on social media if you want to get away with saying someone is normal. So, the best solution: a hobo living under a bridge. Sure, he constantly yells obscenities at random passersby, but that’s not online, so it’s like it never happened.

2. Shave the hobo and put him in a suit.

   

   Still, you need the hobo to appear normal, but that just means clean him up and put him in a suit and don’t have him carry around his bindle anymore (assure him you’re look after it). See, he already looks like a normal candidate you’d like to have a beer with (just don’t let anyone get that close to him).

3. Teach him to be quiet and wave.

   

   Now that the cameras are on him, you don’t want him yelling all that craziness and shouting random obscenities, as it will get recorded and people will know he’s not normal. Thus, you simply have to teach him to be quiet and wave. Train him by saying if he’s nice and quiet and just waves, he gets a big bowl of hobo stew.

4. Make a list of policies to attach to him.

   

   Now here’s the fun part: You make a big list of all your dumb policy ideas and just attach it to him, this normal-seeming guy who just smiles and waves. Hopefully, everyone just focuses on how normal he looks and don’t worry much about the policies he comes with.

5. Oh no. He’s heard about your tax plan and thinks it’s bad.

   

   He’s shouting obscenities again, but now they seem more focused and at you! He thinks your taxes could ruin the economy, and it’s upset him because a bad economy means lower quality trash in the dumpsters for making hobo stew. Just tell him to calm down and that you know what you’re doing. As a nuclear option, you could threaten to burn his bindle if he doesn’t do as you say.

6. He’s attacking the DNC headquarters with a hobo army!

   

   Okay. Threatening his bindle went too far. He’s recruited all his hobo friends to come and storm the DNC headquarters and get his bindle back. Better lock yourselves in the supply closet and hope he doesn’t burn the whole place down.

7. Oh wow. He won!

   

   It turns out that the way he took charge and led an army to attack the DNC really resonated with voters. If you want him to vote the party line, though, I’d just stick to offering him hobo stew and stay away from his bindle.

The Strait of Hormuz has been in the news lately because of the war against Iran. If you’re like most Americans, you’ve never thought much about the Strait of Hormuz (or anything outside our borders, for that matter), so here are some important facts so you can talk about it now and sound smart.

Fun Facts About the Strait of Hormuz

• Was discovered by Bob Hormuz.

• “Straight” is misspelled because they don’t know English well in the Middle East.

• It’s actually not that straight but kind of curved.

• It’s controlled by Iran who only likes evil to be able to sail through it.

• Iran may close it because we blew up their Ayatollah (blowing up their Ayatollah is frowned upon in their religion).

• We said we were sorry, but we obviously didn’t mean it since we blew up the next Ayatollah.

• Protecting ships going through it is supposed to be a job for Aquaman, but he was kidnapped by the Houthis.

• It can be avoided by just using a plane, which is way better than a boat.

• They don’t have planes in the Middle East, though — they think they’re demons and throw rocks at them.

• If you find yourself surrounded by the Strait of Hormuz, begin paddling.

• On the other side of the Strait from Iran is the United Arab Emirates, but they can’t help as they’re too busy fighting their rival, the Divided Arab Emirates.

• The main thing shipped through the Strait of Hormuz is oil. The second biggest product shipped through it is terrorism.

• If the Strait of Hormuz is closed, that will cut off 25% of the world’s oil supply, which means even more people will have to buy Teslas and Elon will get even richer and his memes even danker.

• Iran has threatened to put mines in the Strait of Hormuz, but the mines would sink to the bottom, and the only thing that would walk on them would be like crabs.

• Oh, I guess there are special floating mines. People who like blowing stuff up think of everything!

• The last time the Strait of Hormuz was shutdown was in 2019 when someone on the internet said, “More like the Gay of Hormuz” and it completely devastated Iran.

• There has been talk about relocating the Strait of Hormuz to someplace other than the Middle East where there is less war, like the tropics.

• The current solution, though, is to get a new regime in charge of Iran who likes it when we blow up their Ayatollahs. A bunch of people there have to find that as funny as we do.

• The whole thing, though, shows the problems of having wars for oil in faraway places. We instead need wars for oil closer, like in Canada.

It still seems a long way away, but 2028 is the Democrats’ chance to lick their wounds and recover after Trump’s second term. But who are their top candidates to be their next presidential nominee and lead the party? Let’s take a look at the names out there and their pros and cons.

Chuckles the Baby-Eating Clown

Pros: Seen as strong on women’s rights.

Cons: White.

South American Communist Revolutionary Alejandro Rojas

Pros: Has organizational skills and excites the left-wing base.

Cons: Doesn’t know English and isn’t an American citizen.

Gavin Newsom

Pros: Charismatic. Fights back.

Cons: It could sink his campaign in the general election if it ever becomes public knowledge that he’s the governor of California.

Mecha Hitler

Pros: Great record of being Pro-Palestine.

Cons: Needs regular maintenance.

They/Them

Pros: Upsets the genders norms that need overturning.

Cons: Likely to kill self/others.

AOC

Pros: Young and influential.

Cons: Need to work hard to keep her alive until Election Day as every time it rains she stares straight up at the rain with her mouth open and almost drowns.

Militant Farid Hussain

Pros: Stands with the left in hating their two least favorite countries: Israel and the USA.

Cons: Religious.

Kamala Harris

Pros: High name recognition. Already has experience campaigning for president.

Cons: Nothing. They should definitely run her again.

So, we started a new war with Iran. A lot of people are saying we shouldn’t have done that, and it’s an illegal war and morally wrong. The U.S. can’t just attack a country for any reason. In fact, by basic morality, there are only seven legitimate reasons for war, and anything outside of those reasons is an illegal war.

So here are the legitimate reasons for war:

Legitimate Reasons for War

1. We were attacked. If a country attacks us, we can attack them back. That’s just basic tit for tat morality.

2. We think we’re going to be attacked. Of course, if we wait until we get attacked, Americans are going to get hurt. So, if we think a country is going to attack us, we can get ‘em first before any Americans are harmed.

3. Probably not going to attack us, but could. So maybe it doesn’t seem like a country is going to attack us, but maybe one day they could. Do we really want to wait until the day before they attack us to do something? We may not stop them in time. Better to do something years in advance.

4. Need oil. I mean, this is just basic. Not everyone drives a Tesla, so we still need oil. Could we just ask countries to give it to us? I guess, but in the Middle East, they speak Arabic or something, and maybe we don’t know that. So the simplest solution is to just roll in with tanks and take the oil.

5. There’s just something about a country we don’t like. A lot of countries out there simply suck, and we don’t like them. Does that mean we should have a war with them? Probably. I mean, we’re the greatest country ever ever, so why should we share this world with countries we don’t like? That’s not fair to us.

6. Bored. Being the greatest country ever can be monotonous at times, so sometimes we just need something to do. War will keep us entertained for a few days.

So those are the legitimate reasons for war. I guess it’s only six reasons. I really thought I had seven, but I was wrong. If you came here for seven reasons and are disappointed you only got six, I’m sorry.1

Anyway, going by those reasons for war, Iran covers a few of them, making it definitely a legitimate war. I don’t make the rules. Well, I guess I made these, but I don’t feel like changing them.

Elon Musk is thinking of building a city on the moon. I don’t know if Elon looked into the moon, but it’s not actually an easy place to build.

As you may know, I am one the leading experts in moonology and know all about the moon. Thus I’d though I’d share my wisdom about what’s needed to build on the room.

Tips for Building on the Moon

• Bring air. A lot of people don’t know this, but there is actually no air on the moon. You’re probably wondering how the moon men get air, but they don’t. That’s why all the moon men are dead and the moon is barren. Some suggest we could get air from the water on the moon, but that’s nonsense because air is a gas and water is a liquid — two completely different things.

• Bring food. Early science said the moon was made of green cheese, but this was never corroborated by later science as no giant space cow was found that could make that amount of cheese. In fact, later exploration found nothing to eat there at all, so make sure to bring some food from Earth — the only currently known planet where food exists.

• Don’t bring rocks. You may be thinking, “I should bring some rocks in case I need to throw them at noisy kids on the moon,” but there are in fact lots of rocks already there so bringing any would just be unnecessary weight better used for that air and food I already mentioned you do need to bring.

• Study Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. In Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, people fly around while doing kung fu. It ends up, even if you’re really good at kung fu, you can’t actually do that because of Earth’s gravity, and the effect was all done with wires to trick gullible audiences. But on the moon, there is little gravity so you can fly around while doing kung fu for real, so make sure to study that movie for how to do flying kung fu as you’re going to be in a bunch of fights over the limited amount of air and food since you didn’t listen to me and brought a bunch of rocks instead of more of that.

• Be careful procrastinating. Often when I have something small to do, I’ll be like, “Eh. I’ll do it tomorrow,” and then play video games. But a day on the moon is like a month long, so if you put off doing the dishes until tomorrow, you could go a whole month of eating over the sink.

• Load up on silver bullets. Basic science says that if you land on the moon, that counts as being exposed to the full moon all the time. So if someone has lycanthropy1, he will instantly turn into a werewolf when on the moon. So you need silver bullets to shoot all the werewolves that could emerge when you land on the moon. I guess you could also have a better screening process to make sure no one on your crew has lycanthropy, but that might be considered “discriminatory” and against the law. Just have the silver bullets.

• Nuclear shielding. It is possible that while on the moon, someone may nuke it.2 So, it’s just a good idea to make sure your buildings there can shield you from nuclear blasts and radiation. So when loading up building supplies from Home Depot before heading to the moon, find a guy in an orange frock and ask him if the stuff you got will survive a nuclear blast. If not, have him show you the aisle where that is.

• Maybe come up with a name. It’s kind of weird how the moon still doesn’t have like a proper sort of name you capitalize and everything. It’s like having a dog around you just call “the dog.” If we’re going to live there, it should have an actual name. I’m not sure what’s a good name, though. Rocky?

Iran is evil. It has been evil for some time ever since seeing the weakness of Jimmy Carter and going, “Here’s our opportunity to be evil and no one can stop us!”

Many have thought that one day we’d have to have a war with Iran because of all of their evil, but so far we haven’t had a full war with them and have just blown up their nuclear facilities (with the help of our cool friends in the region, Israel).

But Iran continues to be extra evil, now slaughtering thousands of their own people for just wanting the Iranian government to be a bit less evil.

So that brings us to the big question: Should we blow up the Ayatollah?

Now, for those who don’t know, the Ayatollah is the main religious leader of Iran, and since their religion is pretty terrible, he is the main source of all their evil.

So, being the main source of evil, blowing him up should make the country less evil (fewer evil? no, I think this time I used less right).

And how would we blow him up? Probably a cruise missile. What I gather from the name is that a cruise missile is a missile that “cruises” through the air. I’m not sure how this makes it different from other missiles, but my understanding is that we can make the cruise missile go to a precise location, such as where the Ayatollah is making dumb and bad religious proclamations.

There are some objections to this, though. For one, won’t blowing up the religious leader of Iran be considered an act of war? To that, all I can say is, “Who knows?” I mean, how can we know what goes through the minds of people over there? The fact that they got someone like Ayatollah leading them says they’re not thinking straight. Also, when we blew up their nuclear facilities, they seemed fine with that. So maybe they’re more chill than we think.

The other objection is won’t they just appoint another Ayatollah who is just as bad as the first one? That is possible, but then we can just launch another cruise missile. We have a whole bunch of them. Maybe after enough Ayatollah’s explode, they’ll be like, “Eh. Not worth it.”

A final objection is if we start blowing up evil leaders in one country, won’t we be expected to blow up all the evil leaders in the world? You may be right. There are something like 200 countries in the world, and a cruise missile costs like one million dollars. So if thing go really wrong and we have to blow up all the world leaders because they all suck, that’s like $200 million dollars. We can afford that, but it’s not nothing.

Still, if the worst case scenario is we’ll be out $200 million if blowing up the Ayatollah gets out of hand, I think we should try it. He’s evil and he’d be a lot less evil exploded. It’s a simple moral equation, and it’s time America got back to basics.

People keep talking about all the problems our country has.

What in the world are they talking about?

No one starved to death in the U.S. in the past year. Everyone seems to be wearing clothing. I don’t see a lot of people having to sleep out in the rain.

So everyone has food, shelter, and clothing, so what problems could people possibly be talking about?

Well, I’ll give you a tip: Don’t actually ask people what problems they have, because if you do, people will respond in this high-pitch, incomprehensible gibberish. Because this country does have one problem, and I’ll tell you exactly what it is:

Whining.

You’d think that when actual problems are taken care of, people would be happy all the time. I mean, throughout human history, people struggled to just be fed and live another day. Now that none of us has to worry about that, you’d think we’d be dancing around and partying all the time.

But no, it does not work that day. It ends up when people have all their real problems taken care of, that just frees up time to complain. You see, back in the olden times, people didn’t have time to complain — they had to spend all their time trying to survive. But now that we don’t have to struggle to survive, we have lots of time to just whine, which I guess is human nature when we don’t have problems.

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Much of the focus is on the U.S.’s southern border, but the northern border of the U.S. is even bigger.1 So why don’t we have a giant wall there?

Well, many will say that’s because Canadians aren’t constantly trying to illegally sneak in. And sure they aren’t.

Yet.

But I envision a future where people could be constantly trying to get into America from Canada. To prepare for this future, we need a wall.

And why will people be trying to get into the U.S. across our northern border? Because they used to live here.

See, here’s what I’m thinking. The Soviet Union had this place called “Siberia” to send people up in their north.2 Now, they were dumb Commies and sent people there to work in camps for liking freedom and stuff. Still, the idea of having this frozen place to send bad people is not terrible. And we have this frozen place to the north of us: Canada.

So, for people who suck here and don’t like freedom — like leftists and Commies — why don’t we make this country better by exiling them to our Siberia, Canada? All we need is this big wall to make sure they can’t get back.

And here is the great thing: After we build the wall, the rest of it is free. Because we’re sending them to Canada which isn’t even our country, so all these haters and losers will be Canada’s problem. We’re not like the Commies and want these people to work in camps — we just don’t want them here. So send them to Canada and have a wall so they can’t get back and it’s all done.

Will Canada like this? Unknown. Also, the wall will be soundproof, so we won’t know if Canada objects.

So there’s my big idea: A wall on our northern border. A great plan with no known flaws. If anyone reading this works in the Trump administration, please get this idea in front of Trump as soon as possible.

Q. So what are the main causes of—

A. You need to build more houses.

Q. Yeah, but, there’s a lot of—

A. The answer is build more houses.

Q. Okay, but I wonder about the effects of immigration—

A. Build more houses.

Q. And then is Blackrock who—

A. Build more houses.

Q. Okay, but you have to admit that—

A. We have a supply problem that isn’t meeting demand. You want to try to manipulate demand. That’s dumb. Build more houses and meet demand.

Q. Still, it really seems like what could affect prices—

A. No. Even if you’re right about immigration or Blackrock driving up prices — and you aren’t, as it’s a drop in the bucket — the solution is still to build more houses. You want to foil Blackrock’s evil plans (whatever that is), build more houses, and drive down their investments.

Q. Yeah, but it’s not that simple to build more houses.

A. It actually is. You build more. You build higher. Whatever is needed for demand.

Q. But there are regulations blocking it.

A. Then whoever is making those is the enemy. That’s the whole crisis right there. Get rid of those politicians. Round them up and fire them into the sun if you have to. The solution is to build more houses, and whoever is making that harder is the enemy.

Q. Still, maybe we could—

A. BUILD!

Q. It’s just that there are many causes of—

A. MORE!

Q. I think you need to listen and—

A. HOUSES!

Q. Okay. Okay. I got it.

A. Do you? Are you building more houses?

Q. Not really my thing.

A. Okay, but I don’t want to hear you complaining about housing unless you’re doing something to get more houses built.

Q. Okay, but there are other things that can help, such as—

A. Build more houses!

Q. I don’t get why you have to be so narrow when—

A. Everything other than “build more houses” is a distraction from the real problem: Being able to build more houses. When you talk about anything else, you are just wasting everyone’s time.

Q. Seems a little hypocritical for you to complain about wasting time when all your FAQs—

A. BUILD MORE HOUSES!

Kamala Harris had everything going for her. She was able to walk and talk. She had remarkable accomplishments like being a woman and a minority. She had a reasonable facsimile of a human laugh.

So, it seemed she would easily win against Donald Trump, whom everyone hates and thinks is bad. But that didn’t happen. Instead, Trump won handily. So what happened?

Harris has a new book out trying to answer that. Unfortunately, her political analysis isn’t as good as her running for president, and I don’t think it really gets to the heart of the matter.

Really, the reason Kamala Harris lost comes down to one simple thing:

*** PAYWALL STARTS HERE ***

*** ACTUALLY, I DECIDED NOT TO PAYWALL THIS — IGNORE ***

A voodoo curse.

Trump put a voodoo curse on Kamala Harris to confuse and discombulate her, which is why she did so poorly.

I know what you’re thinking: Wouldn’t Trump be racist against voodoo magic?

Well, Trump is not a racist. And he has, in fact, been a voodoo priest for many years. This fact just doesn’t get talked about a lot because it doesn’t have to do with business.

And I know what else you’re thinking: Doesn’t that make the election results of 2024 illegitimate because of voodoo magic?

Well, that’s a common misconception. If you check all the election rules, nowhere does it say you can’t use voodoo magic to affect the election outcome. It also doesn’t say the candidate can’t be a dog (unrelated to this, but it comes up).

Still, this does make one wonder how the election of 2024 would have been different without the voodoo magic. Kamala Harris probably would have lost by much less.

Facts:

1. America is in debt and could use more money.

2. We don’t particularly use Connecticut for anything.

These two things are true, and now a certain segment of Americans (*cough* the woke left *cough*) are using these facts to suggest we should then sell Connecticut to North Korea.

Yes, there is a certain logic to it — I’ll admit that. But it is still a terrible idea.

For one, North Korea is evil. That may be a shock to you. You may be thinking, “I thought Korea was good. They make K-Pop.”

No. Wrong. Because there are two Koreas. A north and a south. And North is the bad one. The South is fine, but the North is all Communists. And particularly stupid Communists. They make China look like some advanced society in comparison.

So, if people were suggesting selling Connecticut to South Korea, I’d consider it. But selling Connecticut to North Korea should be a non-starter.

Yeah, I know, the woke left are like, “You can’t judge countries, man. They’re all equal. Except for America, which is bad.” Well, that is stupid. If someone says something like that to you need to explain to that person why what he said is wrong… or if you don’t have the time for that, hit the person on the head with a stick while yelling, “No!”

But it’s not even just that North Korea is bad. We also have to consider the people of Connecticut. Now, I’ve never met anyone from Connecticut, but theoretically, someone there could be nice. Would it be fair to have a nice person now in the hands of a foreign country? Let’s say it’s not North Korea we’re proposing to sell Connecticut to, but instead a foreign country I actually like, such as…

…

Well, let’s pretend there’s a foreign country I like. We’ll call it “Nicestan.” Would it still be okay to sell Connecticut to Nicestan? Well, I guess so, since Nicestan has an advanced industrial economy and strict guards on individual rights.

Okay, I invented a fictional country that is too nice and have stepped on my own point.

Anyway, we need to fight against woke and not sell Connecticut to North Korea (which is a million times worse than Nicestan) and have all the Connecticutians end up in some Commie work camp (or whatever it is they do in North Korea). And maybe we can eventually use Connecticut for something. We could put like a dog food factory there.

America sure loves bombing stuff — like how we recently bombed Iran — but we don’t often do full declarations of war. So, if we did want to go to war in an official capacity, what is the process the President must follow?

I outline it here:

Steps to Declaring a Proper War

1. Determine who you want to be at war with. This step is important as for a proper declaration of war, as you can’t just list “enemy country to be filled in later.” You have to know exactly who you want a war with.

2. Check that you’re not already in a war with that nation. This one throws off a lot of declarations of war. You’re all ready to begin a great new war, but then you find out you already have an open declaration of war with the country you never closed. Sorry, but you can’t declare double war.

3. Tell Congress about it. This one is confusing, but apparently the Constitution says they’re supposed to vote on a declaration of war, which means you have to tell them about it. Speak slowly and use small words as they are not very bright.

4. Have a debate about it. When you want a war, people are going to want to talk about it. Like, do we really need to bomb that country? Can’t we just write them a sternly worded letter instead? Thus, you’ll need to debate Congress and convince them that war is awesome and fun.

5. Schedule a vote about it. Next, you’ll need to set the day of the vote, when the war will be official. Make sure it’s during the work week so you don’t get there to vote and find the Capitol all locked up for the weekend.

6. Put on the war hat. Yes, don the ceremonial hat of war. Declaring war is a solemn occasion, and thus a special hat! Careful, it’s pointy!

7. Summon the prophets of war to overlook the ceremony. Who are these hooded figures who chant in a dead language? No one knows! But it’s not an official declaration of war without them.

8. Wait for the moon to turn blood red. This one is kind of obvious.

9. Have the war dancers perform their sacred war dance. Yes, they shall dance under the red moonlight! Thus is the ceremony of war! Yeah, the dance is a little long, and you’ll probably get bored, but hey, fun war is coming soon!

10. Have the vote and finalize the war. And now for the vote for war. Everyone gets their ballot and one pencil. Do not lose your pencil. And then we read the ballot and tally the result and… What?! They voted against the war!

11. Do it anyway. You’re president. Just start bombing stuff. No one will stop you.

Every day, AI gets better. It’s already starting to come for jobs like writers and computer programmers (my two jobs), and combined with robotics, what AI can do will continue to expand.

So what jobs will be left? Here are the skills to get to protect yourself from being replaced by AI.

• Cutting hair. While robotics will allow AI to cut hair fairly soon, most people won’t trust it with blades near their heads and thus will prefer human hairdressers.

• Janitorial skills. While having robots sweep and mop floors is already fairly common, there is a vast complexity to janitorial services — scraping grime off of hard-to-reach places, cleaning vomit out the space between seat cushions, removing feces from the wide variety of places feces can end up — that will be extremely hard for AI and robotics to handle every situation, still leaving people as a cheaper alternative.

• Medical experiment volunteer. I guess this isn’t really a skill, but obviously you can’t do medical experiments on robots — you still need people (and monkeys) for that.

Well, that’s all I can come up with — those three things. Well, better pick one of those if you want to stay employed.

There’s a lot going on in the world today with Russia and us bombing the Middle East (as usual), but our biggest threat is still probably China. So, how can Trump improve our relations with that country and make a friend out of a foe?

Here are some simple tips.

How to Improve Relations with China

• Make sure you know where China is. This is an important one. You may think you’re doing great and the Chinese weren’t as bad as you thought but then you find out the whole time you were in Korea.

• Find out what they want. Now, to improve relations, we first need to understand what it is the Chinese want. So, you need to sit and listen. Wait, what is that gibberish they’re speaking?

• Learn Chinese. I guess another step in finding out what China wants is making sure you understand the language they speak. So learn Chinese. Or turn on ChatGPT.

• Oh, no: It’s all trade issues. So it ends up what they want is really boring trade issue stuff. You’re going to have to try and listen anyway and really pay attention.

• Stop singing Chairman Mao’s name to the tune of the Meow Mix song. I know you’re bored, and it is kind of funny, but it seems to be offending them and also shows you’re not listening to their boring trade deal talk.

• Try to change the topic from what’s under your coat. Oh. Great. They spotted something moving under your coat. Announce you’re ending tariffs or whatever — just change the subject. I know when you were waiting for the meeting and walking through the forest, it was hard to resist grabbing that baby panda you saw, but you really shouldn’t have done that and shoved it under your coat.

• Maybe just give back the baby panda instead of running away while they throw ancient Chinese spears at you. Man, they really don’t like it when people take their pandas, and now they’re throwing special Chinese spears at you that are probably poisoned or something. Stop running and just give back the panda!

• Head for the border! I guess you’re not giving the panda back; that means you need to run for the border as quickly as you can and get out of here.

• Okay, it’s a pretty big country. Yeah, I’m not sure how long until we reach a border of China. Which direction are we even going?

• Bhutan? Okay, I guess we reached another country, but apparently it’s Bhutan. Is that right? Have you heard of that country? Do you speak Bhutanese? Well, let American dollars do the talking and find a hotel room or something. You can finally let that baby panda out of your coat.

• Look at the baby panda! See him nibble that bamboo — he’s so adorable! I guess we ruined relations with China forever, but there are more important things in life... like making YouTube videos of this baby panda that are sure to go viral.

Iran always acts like it really needs a bombing, and right now Israel is giving it one. And could the U.S. join in? Who knows? We do like bombing stuff… especially in the Middle East.

But Iran is a big country, and you can’t just bomb anywhere. So, where should you bomb in Iran? I have a top ten list, but I’m going to start with number one and work down because I don’t want you just reading the bottom of the list and only bombing that. Make sure to bomb the first things listed before going further down the list.

Top Ten Places to Bomb in Iran

1. Nuclear weapons plants. This is kind of the obvious one, as the main thing is we don’t want Iran to have nuclear weapons. Iran keeps saying they’ll do evil things with nuclear weapons, and that’s the exact thing we don’t want done with nuclear weapons! So make those nuclear weapons plants go boom.

2. Supply warehouses for the nuclear weapons plants. This is slightly less obvious than the first one, but what about all those places they store supplies for making all the nuclear weapons — you know, like uranium and paperclips for all the memos about making nuclear weapons. Well, no more holding your memo papers together because that place is going boom!

3. Airfields. The thing is, when you blow stuff up in Iran, they tend to be angry about it. Now, you don’t want them retaliating, so next thing to do is bomb their airfields. Now they can’t bomb us back!

4. Groundfields. Of course, they could still send like jeeps and stuff, but not if we also bomb the place they keep all those.

5. Seafields. And they could also come at us on the water, but not if we blow up all their water vehicles. I know it’s not called the seafield, but I can’t remember what it’s called, and I have no time to look it up as we’re busy bombing.

6. Nuclear power plants. Oh yeah, take out the other nuclear things they have — they’re power plants! Iran claims they’re for peaceful purposes of providing electricity, but have you seen anyone in the Middle East use electricity? Seems fishy; better take them out.

7. Generals. A big part of Iran striking back after bombing would be coming up with a strategy of how to strike back. For that, they need generals. More precisely, they need unexploded generals.

8. Bombs. Something feels a little wrong about bombing bombs, but if we bomb the bombs, they can’t bomb us.

9. Steve’s house. I hate Steve!

10. Goats. There are a lot of goats in Iran. Why? I have no idea. Better blow them up just to make sure it’s not something nefarious.

And that’s all the places I can think of bombing in Iran. What would you bomb?

How to Be a Samurai

Step 1: Get a kantana.

A katana is the sine qua non1 of a samurai. Without a katana, you’re just some guy in pajamas and a man bun — not a samurai. Also, the katana is definitely the coolest sword there is — even cooler than a Zweihänder.

Step 2: Work on your honor.

After owning a katana, the next most essential thing to being a samurai is honor. You can read the Hagakure to learn all about samurai honor. Then you need to practice being honorable. In the least, just stand around not doing anything dishonorable.

Step 3: Eat rice balls.

You also need lots of energy to be a samurai, and you get that from tasty rice balls. Eat them up and get ready to samurai!

Step 4: Fight a ninja clan,

Now, that you’re all prepped on being a samurai, it’s time for your final challenge: fighting ninjas. Where do you find ninjas? They’re either on rooftops or deep in a forest, so look for them there. And when you find them, get ready to battle! Just watch out for— Ow! Those kicks and punches hurt!

Step 5: Get scary armor.

Oh, we missed a step. Before fighting the ninjas, you need armor! Then their kicks and punches will bounce right off of you! Also, traditional samurai armor has a scary mask. Those ninjas will be too scared to punch and kick you in the first place.

Step 6: Stop laughing at me!

This armor isn’t funny! It’s traditional samurai armor and very expensive! Stop making fun of it, you stupid, mean ninjas!

Step 7: Head to a shrine on top of a tall peak.

I’m going to teach those ninjas a lesson! I heard of an ancient sword technique that is in a shrine high atop a treacherous peak. I’ll learn that and wipe those smirks right off the faces of those ninjas. I just need to climb up there… which is kind of hard in the armor.

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Everyone loves a good riot, but how do you riot? It seems so complicated. Well, I’ll break it down for you so you too can enjoy a good riot.

Tips for a Successful Riot

Location. Make sure to pick a good location for your rioting so it will be noticed. Usually, that means a dense urban area. When you riot there, people can’t help but notice. Bad choices are out in an empty field or deep in a forest. You may think you had a great, successful riot with all your friends, knocking over trees and rocks in a forest and kicking around squirrels, but then you’ll find out the next day no one noticed.

Smashing. Smashing is one of the most basic yet important parts of a riot. But what to smash? It’s good to make a list of things that are fun and easy to smash. Windows are a classic one. But stay away from stuff that is hard to smash, like diamonds and adamantium. But just because something is easy to smash, doesn’t mean it’s a great idea to smash. For instance, empty cardboard boxes are easy to smash, but that doesn’t mean you should smash them in a riot. The next day, someone may be like, “Thanks for handling all those boxes for me.” If people are thanking you, you’re rioting wrong.

Looting. Looting is like a fun bonus of rioting. Okay, so you’re out there smashing windows, but what’s behind those windows? Stuff! Now, you could smash that stuff — and that’s perfectly fine in a riot — or you could take that stuff, and now you have stuff! It’s like a tip you get for doing a good job rioting. “Great job destroying all those businesses; here’s a TV.”

Noise. An important aspect of a good riot is it should be noisy. If you’re riot isn’t noisy, people may not notice it. They’ll just wake up the next day and see all the destruction and just assume a tornado hit. What’s the point of a riot if you don’t get credit? So you need to be noisy. Yelling is the main way to make noise. “RARR! I’M RIOTING!” you should yell as loudly as possible. Also, make sure to break things that make a lot of noise like glass, cars, and people.

Fire. Fire is the rioter’s best friend. Fire is very destructive and also grabs lots of attention. Plus, people tend to riot at night when it’s very dark, and fire provides light so you can see what you’re smashing. But how do you start fires? No one knows. I think you have to rub two sticks together very fast, so make sure to bring some sticks with you. In the least, you can hit people and things with the sticks.

Political Messaging. Of course, a big part of a riot is the political message it conveys, such as anger. People may not know what you’re angry at, though. You could wave signs explaining things, but that’s cumbersome when you’re trying to smash stuff. Instead, stick to slogans. But since rioters tend not to be super brain geniuses, keep them simple. “Me no like bad thing!” Stuff like that. Or you can just focus on the destruction and leave it to other people to figure out what you actually want.

There — that’s all my rioting tips. Have a fun and successful riot!