4th of July Commie Strangling Guide
It's Independence Day, so let's celebrate America the traditional way: strangling Commies
Today we celebrate that over fifty years ago, we blew up all the British and made America a country of freedom and awesomeness. This is traditionally celebrated with very American things like explosions, hot dogs, and apple pie, but the oldest American tradition is strangling Commies.
Commies hate everything American. They don’t like freedom. They don’t like Coca-Cola. They probably watch soccer instead of football. And they hate the American flag’s red, white, and blue (well, I guess they like red, but they don’t like the other colors). They want to destroy this country with their evil Commie ways, and that’s why there’s nothing more American than strangling Commies.
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You see, Commies, much like humans, breathe air. So strangling is a great way to stop their Communism. Strangling Commies is something we used to do all the time back during my childhood in the 80s, but it’s fallen out of favor for some reason. Still, the 4th of July is a great day to bring it back. So let’s all strangle a Commie today.
If you’ve never strangled a Commie before, here’s a simple guide.
Guide to Strangling Commies
Step 1: Locate Commie. This is usually pretty simple, as they’ll be spouting nonsense about how freedom and capitalism are bad.
Step 2: Place hands around the neck of the Commie. Children may need help with this step as their hands may be too small to go around a Commie’s neck.
Step 3: Squeeze while yelling, “Take that, Commie!” It’s that simple!
If you’re still confused, consult Figure 1 to see what a proper Commie strangling should look like.
So have a great 4th of July blowing stuff up, eating a hot dog, and strangling a Commie.1 It’s the American way!
In some places, especially blue states, strangling a Commie may be illegal. Please consult with a lawyer before strangling any Commies.