A Frank Guide to Cats (Illustrated)

All you need to know about cats (with pictures)

I’ve always been a dog person, but my wife loves cats, so I’ve had to get used to them. They at first confused me versus a dog, but now having been around them so long, I think I understand cats pretty well. Thus, I decided to make this guide so you, too, can unravel the mystery.

A Frank Guide to Cats

Domestication

The common house cat is also known as the “domesticated” cat, but this is a misnomer. When dogs were domesticated, they were given a friendly, loving demeanor. Thus, you could have a dog the same size as a wolf but don’t have to fear it. But if you ever saw a house cat the size of a wolf, you would run for your shotgun because you know that thing would kill you.

We all know as soon as this child moves, her head will be in that cat’s mouth.

Cats were never domesticated. They were simply made smaller. If they were any larger, you would be dead.

Hidden Blades

Look at this cat’s paw. Cute and fluffy, isn’t it?

Fluffy cat paw.

But this is a lie. The cute little paw is full of blades for killing.

Hidden murder blades.

It also keeps more blades in its mouth.

Mouth full of blades, also for murder.

The typical cat is full of blades. It’s all those apples full of razors we were warned about at Halloween, but it’s fluffy.

Sounds They Make

Cats also make sounds. One common sound is “Mao” as in Chairman Mao who murdered and starved millions.

Cat saying, “Mao.”

Why do they say “Mao”? To get our attention. They know we don’t like Chairman Mao, so they mock us with his name.

Another sound cats make is the purr. It’s this intense vibrating sound. It is unknown what in the cat is vibrating, though. Perhaps a motor. Maybe they are all robots. Scientists are unsure as they don’t like to get close to cats because of all the hidden blades.

Agility

It is a well known fact that a cat dropped from any height will always land on its feet.

Cat Hans Gruber would have been just fine.

Scientists have determined the reason a cat always lands on its feet is because long ago, it made a deal with the devil that’s why a cat’s eye’s resemble those of a snake, the devil’s animal.

I bet at first glance you thought this was a cat, but that’s because you were transfixed by the eyes. Look at the test of the animal and you will see it’s a reptile.

The snake’s influence is also seen in a cat’s tail which behaves very much like a snake.

A cat would bite you with this if possible, but luckily it contains no hidden blades.

Ears

A cat’s ears are used for hearing, shaped in cups to pick up sound waves.

Ears.

There is in fact nothing at all special about a cat’s ears. I don’t know why I devoted an entire section to this. I’m wasting everyone’s time. Sorry.

Expressions

When I first got a cat, the biggest problem I had with it over a dog is it only seemed to have one expression. Was the cat happy? Sad? Playful? Angry? I couldn’t tell because it only ever had the same expression.

A cat’s only expression.

I eventually realized I had seen that blank expression on other animals. In fact every animal has a similar expression: The intense blank expression an animal has when it’s ready to kill.

Scientists now believe cats can have other expressions, such as joy; they just choose not to. Instead, they spend every waking hour ready to kill at any moment, hence the constant death mask. So when a cat is looking at you like that, it is ready to kill you. It’s just waiting for you to get a little smaller first.

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Well, that’s all I know about cats. I hope this was informative! If you see any cats larger than regular house cat size, please contact the authorities.