A Guide to Your New Manufacturing Job

Manufacturing jobs are coming back to the U.S., but do you know how to do them?

So Trump is using tariffs to bring manufacturing jobs back to America!

Well, maybe. No one really knows what’s going on there, anymore.

Still, we should be prepared for these manufacturing jobs. The average American knows little about manufacturing, so I thought I’d write this guide to some of the most common manufacturing jobs.

Plastic Army Men

One of the most common manufacturing jobs is making those plastic army men. Now, machines do most of the work, but they often get jammed and thus the job of the workers is to hit the machine with a stick to clear the jam. You have to hit it hard enough to knock loose all the little army men, but not so hard as to break the machine. It’s a delicate art.

Shoes

Shoes aren’t made by people anymore but instead by special shoe-making robots. The problem with these robots is that they often go crazy and try to kill people. Now, they tried to make it so the robots were no longer were obsessed with murder, but this made them 10% less efficient at making shoes, which is unacceptable. So, the job for human workers is to stand around with a shotgun for when one of the robots go murder crazy.

iPhones

Now, the secret to making iPhones are tiny screws. Some are so tiny, they are microscopic. To handle these screws, there are specially trained paramecium. The problem is these paramecium are lazy, so the job of the factory workers is to use tweezers to swing tiny whips and keep the paramecium working. Hopefully the factory owners never figure out they can just train tardigrades to do that!

Sheet Metal

Now, America needs lots of sheets of metal. Of course, metal starts out in square metal cubes (source: Minecraft). Thus, you’ll need to hit the cubes over and over with a sledgehammer until they’re nice and flat. Now, I guess machines could do this, but they don’t wanna.

Microwaves

Assembling microwaves is pretty straightforward and you just need to handle the assembly steps (which they’ll give you on a nice laminated sheet). The main thing is the inspection afterward in which they check that the waves from your microwave are small enough. If not, the foreman, Steve, will be like, “I told you to make a microwave, not a macrowave!” If I hear him say that one more time, I’m going to end up like a shoe robot and kill everyone!

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Well, there are all the different possible manufacturing jobs. Have fun!