A Lady's Guide to Landing a Plane in an Emergency Situation
Women seem to think they couldn't land an airplane with just the assistance of air traffic control, but I'm here to help
So I’m afraid there has been another YouGov survey showing that today’s women lack the confidence they need to succeed.
While half of men are sure they could land a passenger plane with just the help of air traffic control, only one in five women seem to think they can do that. This is very reminiscent of that previous YouGov poll that found women much less confident than men at being able to beat vicious animals in an unarmed fight.
Of course, me being helpful and whatever the opposite of misogynist is, I took that head on and wrote A Lady’s Guide to Fighting Vicious Animals to give women the confidence they need to fight a goose with just their bare hands. And I am going to do that once again, writing a guide on how to land an airplane with just the help of air traffic control — a guide specifically tailored to women. This should give women the confidence they need to save hundreds of lives.
A Lady’s Guide to Landing a Plane in an Emergency Situation
Oh no. You are on a large passenger airplane — a 747 — with over three hundred people on board, but it’s left up to you — a lady — to land the plane. I don’t know how that happened and why there wasn’t some man who could do it instead. Maybe it’s all ladies on board — it’s going to a knitting convention or something. Anyway, the two pilots are sick and unconscious and can’t land the plane. Proceed to the cockpit and put on the headphones to listen to air traffic control.
I don’t know if the headphones will mess up your hair. That’s not important right now. Remember: You have hundreds of lives on the line.
Okay, now you are now talking with air traffic controller Steve. It is very important that you do everything he tells you exactly. And remember: We’re not aiming for a perfect landing here. All you need to do is get the plane slowed down enough and on the ground, and then everyone is walking away.
I just told you that you really need to listen to Steve, so stop interrupting him to tell him you’re cold.
Yes, it’s established you’re cold, but that’s not important right now. You need to be listening to all of Steve’s instructions on getting the plane ready for landing.
Okay, he told you how to adjust the cockpit temperature, so now that’s solved, you can… HOW ARE YOU STILL COLD?!! It’s sweltering in the cockpit now.
Sure, the blanket is going to hamper your access to the cockpit controls, but whatever. Wrap yourself in it so we can move on to landing prep. Listen to each of Steve’s instructions and have him repeat them if necessary.
Why aren’t you responding to Steve? It’s imperative you acknowledge to him you’ve done each step.
Are you giving him the silent treatment? Because you didn’t like his tone?
Yes, he was “mansplaining” to you. That’s because he knows how to land a plane, and you don’t. Just keep talking to him and acknowledging you’re doing the steps.
Oh, that flashing red light doesn’t look good. You should tell Steve about that.
Why aren’t you telling him? What do you mean you think he should already know about it? How is he supposed to know something is wrong if you don’t tell him?
Okay, Steve says it’s not a big deal, and you can just ignore that.
It doesn’t matter if you think it’s a big deal. Steve is the one with the knowledge here, and he says it doesn’t matter.
You’re giving Steve the silent treatment again? You have to stop doing that! We’re in descent, and every second here matters.
Yes, Steve didn’t ask about your day, but he already knows how you’re day is going: You’re in a plane that’s about to crash if you don’t focus and land it. Now, why don’t you get that landing gear deployed.
You’re right: Steve is being a typical man. Instead of listening to you and validating your feelings, he keeps trying to offer solutions. But that’s because you’re in a plane with no pilot, and you’re all about to die. That really needs a solution and not your feelings validated.
You’re coming in too fast! Slow down! Slow down!
I’m sorry I’m yelling.
BRACE!
Wait, that’s it. It was a bumpy landing, but we’re on the ground. You did it, girl! You landed the plane and saved everyone on board! You know what that means: victory shoe shopping!
There you go, ladies. Proceed with confidence to land those planes.
No, I don’t know if Steve is single.
Someday, I’m going to land a plane by myself with only the assistance of air traffic control, saving hundreds of lives. When I’m interviewed about it afterwards, I will mention you and this article specifically as the reason for my success. And when that time comes… you better ask me how my day was.
My daughter pilots 757 and 767 for Delta. I bet she could do it!😂😂😂😂🧠