All the Known Changes for the New Harry Potter Series

It's not going to be just like the books

HBO (Or is it Max? Or is it HBO Max?) is working on a new Harry Potter series remaking the seven books, and reportedly, the actor offered the role of Snape is black. This is bothering some of the fans as Snape is described in the book as having “greasy hair” which makes him canonically a filthy Italian.

Notorious biology-believer and author of Harry Potter, J.K Rowling, is running the new production, but rumors are she is planning a number of changes for this new series. Here are all the rumored changes.

Rumored Changes for the New Harry Potter Series

• The rules of Quidditch will be changed so the game actually makes sense.

• Hagrid will now have a body made of rock, and his new catchphrase will be, “It’s clobberin’ time!”

• Lee Jordan will be white. Finally.

• There is going to be a new subplot where Hermione’s know-it-all-ism is challenged by ChatGPT.

• The Dursleys will be even meaner to Harry Potter for no apparent reason.

• Having this slave race of House Elves was determined to be too weird, so all the House Elves will be replaced with the Irish.

• Dolores Umbridge will now be the magical head of DEI.

• Parvati Patel will also now be white.

• The bad guys will be even more detestable, for in addition to Voldemort and the Death Eaters being murderous, they will also be extremely woke.

• Magical creatures will now be kept in little balls the kids carry around, and then they make them fight each other for fun… but somehow, it’s cute and not like cockfighting at all. “Grindylow, I choose you!”

• To make up for the lack of diversity in the original source material, the new Harry Potter series will finally have Mexicans in it.

• Ron Weasley will be even more useless.

• The much criticized name of Cho Chang will be changed to Ching Ching Chong Chong.

• There will be more swearing, but it will be British swears, so it will be cute.

• There will be no more magic in the series as recent scientific studies have shown that magic isn’t real.

• Fixing what J.K. Rowling considers her biggest oversight in the original series, basic biology will now be taught at Hogwarts, including sex chromosomes and their effects.