An Exclusive Interview with Frank J. Fleming

A frank talk with the satirist, novelist, and writer for Chip Chilla

So now the Daily Wire has released Bentkey, a new streaming service for kids’ programming. How excited are you about this?

Very excited. I’m a parent, too — four kids — and I know how hard it is with new programming because you just can’t trust it anymore. Studios are focused on making left-wing adults happy — not children and parents. And that’s why it’s so great to have children’s programming specifically made to have no agenda and that everyone can enjoy.

Wow. It must be great to be a part of something so important. And you’re a writer on some of the original programming. Can you tell us about those shows?

Sure. I wrote for Chip Chilla, a beautiful and hilarious show about a family of homeschooling chinchillas. The whole family is going to enjoy that one. I also wrote for A Wonderful Day with Mabel Maclay, a very sweet show kids will love with a bit of a Mr. Rogers vibe while being its own thing.

And how exactly did you get hired to write children’s programming?

Oh… um… I’m a known clever writer, and the Daily Wire saw some potential in me.

But you have absolutely no experience in this.

I’ve written scripts before, not for children’s shows, but—

I mean, all the other writers have worked on multiple kids’ shows, and it’s kind of unclear why you’re there. It almost seems like a clerical error, right?

What? I mean, I have decades of writing experience—

Yeah, on, like, a blog.

Professional writing experience. And I think I’ve done quite well with my kids’ show writing. I’m the credited writer on five of the Chip Chilla episodes that were released, and they’re all quite great.

Yes, I’m sure your scripts were made serviceable by a writer who actually knew what he was doing.

I’m sorry; what is this?

Let’s move on to your novels. You released two last year: Superego: Betrayal and Hellbender 2. That’s the first time you released two novels in the same year. That must have been a banner year for you.

Yes, they both did quite well, and I’m really happy with the response. I’m now working on—

Actually, I have access to the actual sales numbers, and they didn’t do that well.

Well, I mean, you have to factor in they were both sequels and how they spurned more sales of the previous books and—

It kind of feels like you’re floundering sales-wise as a novelist, right? Decreasing in popularity, rather than increasing.

I’m not sure I’d—

But you’re not even really a novelist. I mean, your books are self-published.

Well, my novels were with a publisher—

A very small one.

…but I decided I would make more money taking control of the publishing. And I have.

Did you make back your money on those last two audiobooks you paid to produce? Those are more of a vanity project, aren’t they?

It’s a long-term investment. When I… Hey, really. What is this? I didn’t expect such a hostile interview.

Why not?

Well… I mean, I kind of figured our interests align.

Because I’m interested in being a failed, mediocre writer?

What? Where do you get off—

Let’s move on to when you wrote for The Babylon Bee, i.e., the last time you were relevant. You successfully glommed onto some of their popularity before you were fired.

I wasn’t fired! I decided to move on for professional reasons and also some personal reasons… but I’d rather not get into those.

Well, don’t worry, because I’m not going to ask you about them since absolutely no one cares. People thought you were something special, though, writing for them, but they’ve only gotten more popular since you left, so you weren’t really that relevant to them, were you?

I had a number of very popular—

Yeah, you still like reminiscing about the few articles you wrote for them people liked. But you got this Substack now; how is that going?

I was really taken aback by how quickly it grew after I started the paid subscriptions.

But how about the last year?

Well, after the initial growth—

Again, I have access to the actual numbers, and you haven’t grown at all since the beginning of this year. Another failure. I’ve noticed a pattern: You do something, have some early success, but that’s your ceiling. You only fade after that.

I’m not sure—

It happened with your first book, that little Obama pamphlet. It’s the only book of yours to make the Amazon top 100. Your first novel, Superego, was your most successful, but only because somehow it got made the Audible deal of the day. You’ll never have another come close to that. You had some early success writing columns for the New York Post — the other time you were a little relevant — but that quickly faded.

Is there a question here?

I’m just setting the stage. The same thing happened with your abandoned blog, IMAO. The thing you’ll always be remembered for is your Nuke the Moon essay, and that’s something you just vomited back in 2002. And it still wasn’t even that popular.

What are you trying to say here?

So where are you now? You left a computer programming job you were actually good at—

Not according to you; you kept telling me I was just good at googling Stackoverflow.

—and well-paid for to write for children’s programming, but how do you think that’s going to go following the pattern here? Isn’t it time to just admit the obvious truth from your decades of playing at this: You’re a failed writer who has never risen above mediocrity?

No!

I mean, you’re in your mid-forties and—

No, you listen to me now. I’m not failed. I’m having the most success in my entire life. For the first time, I’m a full-time writer. I’m entirely supporting my family — and comfortably — with my writing.

But how long—

Do you know how hard I worked to get here? I got up at 5am to write on my novels and my columns and my The Babylon Bee articles before my day job as a programmer for years and years. And it paid off more than I ever thought it would! I never imagined I’d be making TV shows.

But how relevant are you to—

Do you think they just randomly grabbed me off the street, you little asshole? I got here because I fought and I worked and am now a big #@$% success! All that writing — successful in itself or not — was a part of this. And for the first time, I’m making things my own kids get to enjoy. Do you know how great that is?

While we’re on that subject, let’s talk about your performance as a father.

Don’t you even dare.

You have a special needs child, and seeing how well you’ve done so far, do you really think—

I am going to do whatever I need for all my kids, regardless of what happens at my job. God has blessed me beyond measure, in life and family, and I’m done listening to your whiny little voice. I am a huge success by any objective measure — I have a great job, a great wife, and four of the best kids — and you are just nuts, so shut up.

But if you really think about it—

Shut up. I’m serious. I’m done with you. You’re the failure, not me. Just shut up!

I have one more question.

Can I stop you?

Probably not.

Fine. What is it?

When will we see Chip Chilla season 2?

Oh… um… nothing has been officially announced. But make sure to subscribe to Bentkey; lots more great stuff coming!