Best of the Bee: Part 5
The best Bee article of all time?
I was thinking we’d get into COVID jokes in this one since we’re starting in 2020, but I had enough good articles before the pandemic overtook everything that we’ll put that off until the next one. So anyway, here’s is more of the best of the approximately 666 articles I wrote for The Babylon Bee, including maybe the very best article ever written for The Babylon Bee.
Dumb AOC Accidentally Strangles Herself Tying Her Shoes (Because She Is So Stupid)
I’ve heard it argued this is The Babylon Bee’s very best article, and I won’t argue against that too vociferously. This article makes me laugh no matter how many times I read it. Because it’s so stupid.
I think the Bee was getting criticized about writing too many “AOC is dumb” articles, so I was like, “I will write the most braindead AOC is dumb article ever. No one will know what to think of it. It will be hilarious.” At this point, I think I was writing an article for the Bee every day, so they gave me a bit more leeway that I’d come up with one that was really out there every once in a while. And luckily, they published this one because it was legendary.
It really confused people. Is it making fun of AOC? Is it making fun of the Bee’s audience because they like AOC is dumb articles so much? I can’t say there was any other major purpose to it, though, than just to write something super dumb because I found that amusing. I mean, it has the phrase “brain-dumb”; I love that.
It became a bit of a honey pot for people trying to prove the Bee is lame because they’d pull this up and say, “See! They don’t even know how to do satire!” And then eventually, they’d figure out it’s a parody of satire and get angry and confused. And that’s just part of the fun.
CNN Unveils New Format Where Hosts Just Watch Fox News And Yell At It
This really does seem like the main job of Brian Stelter and especially Oliver Darcy. I don’t know how to put this delicately, but how do they not swallow a gun? I mean, their whole job is to watch a more popular news station and get angry at it. How do they wake up each morning and face that as their occupation? Are they really that desperate for money? Get a real job doing something useful for someone.
There’s No Such Thing As ‘Cancel Culture’ - Op-Ed By Adolf Hitler
Maybe it’s childish, but I think it’s funny that if I don’t like an argument, I just have Hitler argue it. I actually did this in my final Bee article (I guess we’ll get to that later). Also, I’ve just noticed that any arguments that disagree with me all just sound like things Hitler would say. I guess I’m special that way.
Dad Who Just Sat Down Pretty Sure Kid’s Scream Wasn’t Anything Serious
I have four kids, and they scream a lot. And my first reaction is never, “Oh no! What happened?” It’s more of a sigh and, “What is it now?” Every once in a while, I find out they really did hurt themselves, and then I guess I have to show some sympathy, but even then I’m just annoyed. Stop running into stuff, kids; I just want some peace and quiet.
’80s Movie Night Gets Awkward As Bernie Sanders Keeps Rooting For All The Villains
Yeah, 80s movies have to be tough for Bernie Sanders since all the people who share his economic beliefs get blown up by Rambo with a grenade-tipped arrow. We knew how to deal with Communists in the 80s (the “good old days”). Now, how often do you get to see movies with Communists being killed by the hero? Not often enough.
This was combining that Jussie Smollett story with how there are these whiny people constantly complaining about billionaires even though billionaires never actually do anything to anyone. Well, Bernie Sanders decided to fake a hate crime where a bunch of billionaires beat him up for being a meager millionaire. Mean old billionaires.
Hey, this is three Bernie Sanders posts in a row, but for a while, it looked like he was going to win the primary until Biden finally napped his way to the lead. Anyway, I found it hilarious that the people who like to pretend Sanders is some working-class hero acted like it was nothing that he had three houses. “Everyone his age has three houses.” So I tried to contrive something even funnier to be dismissive of, which is Sanders going around in a top hat and monocle carrying around a bag with a dollar sign on it while saying, “Get away from me, poors!”
“That’s not uncommon for someone of his age and income level.”
Report: Mansplaining Down But Woman Confusion Up
Here’s one where I feel like I nailed the snappy headline. I remember this one sat around for a while, but I’m glad it finally got run because it ended up being pretty popular (the Bee even did a video from it). I think the article is really funny too, especially with the confused female scientists looking into the phenomenon and the male scientists too sheepish to help them out. I’m sorry; misogyny is funny. I didn’t make the rules.
That’s it for now! Next time, we’ll finally get into all those pandemic jokes.
Bernie '80's night and Mansplaining are two of my favorites. I laugh out loud everytime I hear them. Well done!
These are all really, really excellent