Best of the Bee: Part 8
My best posts from The Babylon Bee
It’s time once again to go over the absolute best from the approximately 666 articles I wrote for The Babylon Bee. I was writing every day for the Bee at this point and was apparently really good at it now, as I was trying to focus on only my best articles, but I ended up with 13 covering just June through August of 2020. At this rate, it will take forever to get to the end (December 2021), but whatevs. We’re in no rush.
Trump Claims He’s Developed Faith The Size Of A Peach Pit — Enough To Destroy The Entire Planet
I did like it when I had an actual religious article for the Bee, but it was the political ones that got the most traffic. So it was great when I got one that combined the two. This is how I think Trump would react if he read the Bible verse about faith the size of a mustard seed being enough to move a mountain, and I think I nailed it.
McGruff The Crime Dog Put Down
There was a big anti-police sentiment after George Floyd (which led to the idiotic “defund the police” movement). Here was me taking it to the logical extreme. This article actually made me sad with the line, “Defenders of McGruff argued that McGruff could just be retired and live on a farm working as a P.I. instead of being put down -- or that at least they didn’t need to tell McGruff he was a ‘bad, bad dog’ before the injection, but activists wouldn’t relent, and the euthanization happened as planned.” Poor McGruff; you’re not a bad dog! You’re a good, good dog!
Trump Holds Press Conference To Announce He Got Cool New Calculator Watch
This one actually got published in October 2020, but I apparently wrote it in June and it sat around that long until I publicly badgered the Bee to publish one of my best articles ever finally. Read it and tell me if you agree. It’s just dumb fun with no point, and I love it (but yeah, it was never going to do much traffic).
Report: The Squirrels Are Up To Something
I loved this one. Simple intriguing headline with no political angle. And it was decently popular and became a bit of a running gag for the Bee. Once, when one article got a lot of heat, I convinced them to put out an apology — but apologize for this article instead.
Gavin Newsom Alerted To Illegal Activity By The Sound Of Children’s Laughter
The way the left took out all their anxieties about COVID on kids is pretty reprehensible. They basically settled on as long as no one is having fun and everyone is miserable, then we’re safe — except if you yourself want to go with a few pals to the French Laundry. Anyway, this one didn’t feel that far off from reality, with people in California filling a skate park with sand for unfathomable reasons.
Man On Right Side Of History Surprised To Find He Still Went To Hell
I always really wanted to write for TV and movies, so my favorite posts were the ones that read more like a sketch. This is a good example; I just love the dialog between the protagonist and the sympathetic Satan.
Trump Drives Around Playing Mailbox Baseball In Latest Voter Suppression Scheme
Things got pretty crazy getting near the 2020 election. Apparently, people were convinced Trump was putting locks on mailboxes to somehow stop people from voting against him. I’m not really sure how that would prevent only votes against himself, but don’t try to reason with hysteria.
When working with experimental vaccines, do your best to keep them away from the corpse of Adolf Hitler.
This one was autobiographical. After joining the Bee, they had all these references to Christian culture I didn’t understand (I still can’t quite convince myself DC Talk is something other than a Washington D.C. AM station) and used all these terms to debate Calvinism that were foreign to me. I just know what’s in the Bible, dudes.
Man, if only everyone could be as chill as us Gen Xers. We never had some big challenge in our life like WWII — other than dealing with all the other generations who are terrible.
Op-Ed: Everything Went Downhill After Men Stopped Wearing Hats
I always wanted to do op-eds from a parody conservative, and a cranky old man is who I finally settled on. These were never that popular, but I always enjoyed them.
This is a running gag with my kids when I’m doing Bible study with them.
“An angel appeared, and guess what he said?”
“BE NOT AFRAID!”
If angels don’t want people to be afraid, maybe turn it down a notch.
Large Turnout At Memorial For Hans Gruber Who Was Thrown From A Building By A Police Officer
People can’t seem to understand that something can be police abuse but that doesn’t mean the guy who was abused was a hero. Here’s my take on that.
That’s it for now. Which was your favorite?
Of all of this batch, I vaguely remember, "Man on Right Side of History Still Finds Himself in Hell", which I found and still find hilarious.
Reminds me of all my parents friends who committed adultery, a mortal sin in Catholicism. Growing up, I was really worried about their immortal souls. I was surprised and horrified to consider how many of my father's friends would burn for an eternity in hell.
Looking back, I'm sure they all rationalized their adultery (being on the 'right side').
What's interesting is that my dad, who converted to Catholicism after marrying my French-Canadian mom, born 'Jean D'Arc', later JoAnn, admitted to my by-that-time Alzheimer's mom, that he had committed adultery while deployed to South Korea during the Korean War. This was after he quickly married her before going off to war and stashing her on his father's farm in Indiana.
Advice to all adulterers: don't think that relieving your guilt will improve the situation, it won't.
I knew when I read it, it was your doing. The Frank T. Rutherford “Op-Ed: Everything Went Downhill After Men Stopped Wearing Hats” was one of my favorite Bee articles of all time.