Commentary from a Crotchety, Old Conservative

Some truth-bombs from someone who doesn't know or would care for the phrase "truth-bomb"

Conservatism has changed so much in my life, so I thought it would be nice to revisit some old-school conservatism. Thus, I sought out the oldest, crotchetiest conservative I could find — someone who checked out of politics soon after Ronald Reagan was no longer on the ballot. So here is Doyle Lankford with some takes on today’s politics with some light editing.

---

Hi, I’m Doyle Lankford, and this guy, Frank Fleming, asked for my opinion. He says he’s a conservative, but he doesn’t look like one. He’s some guy with smooth hands who probably never had a job that required him to lift more than twenty pounds. But I guess that’s how all you conservatives are these days, just clacking away at your computers, shooting out tweeting and trying to “own the liberals.” Well, I think you’re all useless idiots. Yeah, I’m sure you got some picture with words on it to meem at me and show me how wrong I am. Well, back in my day, we would call that “fruity.” Do you still use that word? Well, I don’t care if you do; I use it.

Anyway, here’s what I have to say.

New Mexico Banning Guns

So some lady who I guess is the New Mexico Governor (and what was it about the first Mexico that made anyone think we needed a second?) says she decided to declare a public emergency and take away people’s rights to carry a gun, because apparently if you go, “Ooh. I’m scared. It’s an emergency!” you can just suspend the Constitution. Well, let me be clear: If you touch the Bill of Rights, the emergency you’re going to be dealing with is getting my foot out of your ass!

Inflation

Inflation has been terrible lately, but don’t worry: I have some great advice for President Biden to stop inflation right now. Just follow these steps, Mr. Biden:

1. Find an old, abandoned well.

2. Jump into it.

3. Don’t cry for help.

Inflation should stop soon after that.

It’s pretty simple: When the politicians are at the bottom of wells, and no one is looking for them, that means they won’t be able to spend, and inflation will go down.

I know these days there are these “economists” who say they’ve figured out inflation, and now we can spend all we want and not worry about it. Well, I have something for those economists, but it’s going to have to wait while we dig more wells.

Trans Stuff

So apparently these days, men think they can be women. Well, if a man tells you he’s a woman, I have a good response to that: Lock him a nuthouse and shock his brain until he stops talking crazy!

Some people, though, say it’s cruel to make a man admit he’s a man. I have a response for those people: Lock them in a nuthouse and shock them in the brain until they stop talking crazy!

Does that seem harsh? Well, it’s a thousand times less cruel than cutting people’s [censored] off, you pervert psychopaths!

Ukraine

So I was talking to some young conservatives, and they were telling me, “If we send money and weapons to Ukraine, lots of Russians could die!” And I was like, “Right on!” But then I realized they meant it as a bad thing. What the hell is happening? Is this one of those stupid comic book multiple verse things where we got conservatives from another universe where they’re Commie-loving, hippie peaceniks? Back in my day, there was nothing conservatives wanted more than to kill Russians!

But you won’t believe what else they said to me. They said it was costing too much — that we didn’t have the money and we needed to spend it on people here. Let me tell you something, son: Back in the 80s, we ran up a huge debt just scaring the Russians. And we’d do it again! Because fighting Russians is one of the few things the federal government should actually be spending money on! If we need more money for it, just replace all those social programs with a postcard that says, “Stop being lazy!” and use the savings to kill more Russians!

Prison Abolition

So, these liberals got his new idea: Prison abolition. They’re just going to get rid of all the prisons. Sorry, rapists and murderers, you’re going to have to find a new place to live as the prisons are all closed. And the New Mexico Governor took our guns, so we can’t shoot you. Guess you’ll just have to go back to raping and murdering.

Well, if someone comes up to you and argues we should abolish prison, I have a great response for that: Lock him a nuthouse and shock his brain until he stops talking crazy!

You know, if Reagan made one mistake, it was closing down too many nuthouses. Now, all the people we used to lock in there and shock their brains are making all the Democrats’ policies. It used to be their only insanity was being Commies.

Republican Candidates

So who do we have to take on the nutjobs? Well, if you look at the Republican candidates, the choices are some orange clown and a bunch of sissies (one’s even a girl!). Looks like most people are deciding to rally behind the orange clown who already lost to the senile Commie Biden, but I guess the next best choice is DeSantis, who is basically the Mayor of Munchkinland. Oh, but he keeps going on about how he’s going to stop the “woke.” “Oh, I’m going to get that woke. I’m going to stop all that woking.”

What the [censored] is woke? Is that some Commie word for Commie?

I can’t stand anyone today. Back in the 80s, you know how we “owned the liberals”? By being rich and successful! We were so rich and successful, the liberals were just miserable all the time. In fact, we did so great in the 80s, the Soviets just collapsed in the face of how rich we were. I want a president who is going to promise that. I don’t want to make the liberals shriek with my “tweets.” I want to make them shriek at my fat wads of cash proving how smart we were to ignore them!

Stolen Election

Anytime I bring up the orange clown losing in 2020, conservatives are like, “Oh, he didn’t lose.”

Oh, really? Well, who is in the White House right now? That’s right: a Democrat. That’s called losing.

“Oh, but he stole the election.”

Let me tell you a story of someone who had a presidential election stolen from him: His name was Tricky Dick. Some little upstart had his daddy buy the election for him (though later he got his), but did Tricky Dick just sit there whining about it? No, he plotted his revenge and eventually got the presidency and then… well, I guess it didn’t work out so well for him. I forget the point of my story.

No, wait, I remember the point of my story because all my stories have the same point: STOP WHINING!

---

Well, that’s all I have to tell you. Now you modern conservatives can get back to what you normally do, I guess make Tik Toks and get gay married.

---

Well, I hope you found the commentary from Doyle Lankford educational. If you have any feedback, he doesn’t have an email, but I can see if maybe I can get a mailing address.