Controversial Opinion: Mosquitos Are Great

Wow! What a great insect!

I’m thinking of doing a paid Substack, and for the successful ones, I notice they all have really far out there opinions you don’t get anywhere else — like that gender has something to do with biology. The problem is, most of the controversial opinions are already taken, so I’m trying to find some no one has done yet.

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A lot of people don’t like mosquitos. They’re idiots.

Most insects are kind of standoffish. As soon as they see people, they scurry away. But not mosquitos — they love us! As soon as they see people, they’re like, “Oh. Wow. I want to hang out with these guys.” They’re our friends.

Sure, the reason they hang out with us is they want to drink our blood, but that’s no big deal. They only want a little, and we probably have way too much blood. Plus, blood is gross, so we should be happy to get rid of it.

And then another complaint is that mosquitos leave itchy bumps, but this complaint is disingenuous. People love scratching itches. You should be happy to have an itch because now you get the pleasure of scratching it. So stop making up problems where there aren’t any.

Also, mosquitos get a bum rap about spreading diseases. That’s not their fault. It’s not like they made up those diseases; they got them from other people. If people stopped having diseases, there wouldn’t be a problem. So really, it’s people’s fault.

And did you know that only the female mosquitos drink blood? The males eat nectar. That’s a reversal of what you’d expect. What a female empowerment story. They should talk about mosquitos on Lifetime.

So now you know mosquitos are great, and you should get excited every time you hear that high-pitched buzz of one nearing you. And if you still don’t like mosquitos, you’re obviously some sort of Nazi-Commie who can’t be reasoned with. I hate you.

But don’t worry: Mosquitos will still love you.