Debating Communists

An 80s throwback has trouble with today's culture

“Welcome to this U.S. Senate debate,” announced the moderator. “Our first candidate, Alvin Wolfe, will now give his opening remarks.”

“America is rotten to the core,” said Wolfe. “We live in a time of growing inequality, and that is the fault of capitalism. We must ensure the rich pay their fair share and use tax money to create equity among all people.”

“Thank you, Mr. Wolfe,” said the moderator. “Now, John Rambo, your statement.”

Rambo put a grenade-tipped arrow into his bow, let out a long fearsome yell, and let the arrow fly. It collided with Wolfe, and he exploded.

The audience gasped. The moderator was dumbstruck. Rambo saw their reaction and was confused. “What?”

“Did you just blow up your opponent with a grenade-tipped arrow?” the moderator asked.

“Well, yeah,” Rambo answered, still confused why everyone seemed upset. “You heard him: He was a Communist.”

“So you blew him up with a grenade-tipped arrow?”

Rambo was still perplexed. “Well, yeah, that’s what you do when you see a Communist.”

“It is not what you do!” the moderator yelled.

Rambo furrowed his brow. “It isn’t? It’s what we did back in my day, the 80s.”

“Well, it is not the 80s anymore; it is 2022,” chided the moderator, “and you can’t just blow someone up for being a Communist.”

“Why not?”

“We are a more sophisticated time now, and we take socialistic views seriously,” said the moderator. “Consider this a warning, Rambo. I’ll let the Democrats get a new candidate, and we’ll continue the debate.”

A new candidate stepped up. “Hello, I am Lance Kelley, and what you just saw is the violence inherent in capitalism. We need to tear down this economic system and make one based on fairness and—”

Rambo put a grenade-tipped arrow into his bow, let out a long fearsome yell, and let the arrow fly. It collided with Kelley, and he exploded. He then noticed the audience’s reaction again. “Whoops. Sorry. That’s a reflex.”

“A reflex!” yelled the moderator.

“If I see a Communist — and clearly from that guy’s speech, he was a Communist — I shoot him with a grenade-tipped arrow. It’s just part of my training.”

“This is inexcusable!” fumed the moderator. “And can’t you, in the least, just use regular arrows?”

Rambo looked even more confused. “Why would I use regular arrows if I have grenade-tipped arrows?”

“This is your last warning, Rambo!” yelled the moderator. “The Democrats can pick another candidate for Senate, and if you blow someone up one more time, I will disqualify you from this debate!”

Rambo nodded. “Okay, got it.”

A new candidate stepped up. He looked at Rambo cautiously and said nothing.

“Your opening remarks, uh...,” prompted the moderator.

“Adam Wells,” said the new candidate. He was shaking and kept watching Rambo. “Well, I just want to say I like this country and... I don’t have any particular problems with capitalism.”

Rambo eyed the man suspiciously but nodded.

“Okay, John Rambo, your opening remarks,” said the moderator.

Rambo leaned into the microphone. “Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don’t turn it off! It wasn’t my war! You asked me, I didn’t ask you! And I did what I had to do to win! But somebody wouldn’t let us win! And I come back to the world and I see all those maggots at the airport, protesting me, spitting. Calling me baby killer and all kinds of vile crap! Who are they to protest me, huh? Who are they? Unless they’ve been me and been there and know what the hell they’re yelling about! In the field we had a code of honor, you watch my back, I watch yours. Back here there’s nothing! Back there I could fly a gunship. I could drive a tank. I was in charge of million-dollar equipment, back here I can’t even hold a job parking cars!”

There was mainly stunned silence with a few scattered applause. “Okay, I didn’t really follow that,” said the moderator, “but it was your time to use as you wish. And now, our first question: Should the minimum wage be raised to $15 an hour? Wells, you may respond first.”

Wells stepped up to his microphone. “I say $15 isn’t high enough. We need at least $25 so workers can get what they deserve.”

Rambo put a grenade-tipped arrow into his bow, let out a long fearsome yell, and let the arrow fly. It collided with Wells, and he exploded. Rambo immediately noticed what he did, though. “Oh, I did it again.”

“That’s it, Rambo!” yelled the moderator. “You’re disqualified from this debate!”

“This just seems unreasonable,” Rambo protested as he walked off the stage. “You put some Communists right next to me and then get mad at me for blowing them up with a grenade-tipped arrow.” Before he went out the door, he turned to the crowd and yelled, “I also want to blow up taxes! Vote Rambo!”