Drastic Measures to Save Our Country

The time for thinking is over and it's the time for doing!

I know every excitable political person throughout your life has said this every year, but this time it’s for real: The country is on the brink of destruction unless we take drastic measures.

I know you have lots of questions. Well, there is no time for them. We have to save the country NOW!

So here are the drastic measures we need to take to preserve our great nation. Do these as fast as you can!

• Canadians must wear tags clearly identifying them. We have all these people around us who look like Americans but aren’t, and it’s creeping me out.

  

• The American flag needs to be changed to a perfect square. No time to explain; just do it.

• North Dakota will become a prison colony. I’m not sure we’re doing anything else with it.

• Suspend all elections. Like really high — maybe over the Grand Canyon. That way we can keep an eye on them.

  

• Gunchucks. Yeah, that’s two guns with a chain between them, and they keep firing as you swing them around. Our enemies will never expect that.

• Try a more laissez-faire economic system. I dunno, maybe just hands off the economy.

  

• The U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights need an official reprinting in ALL CAPS. Let everyone know we’re serious.

• Need an official count of all monkeys in zoos to make sure none are missing. I thought I saw something move outside; could it be a monkey? We need a count to make sure none are running loose.

  

• We need to blow in the magical conch shell and summon Aquaman. Self-explanatory.

• Everyone needs to learn how to juggle. Again, no time to explain — everyone grab three objects and try your best.

  

• All squirrels must be eliminated. I never trusted them and it’s time to do something about them.

• Actually, DO NOT try the gunchucks. There have been a lot of injuries from the gunchucks. They’re not a good idea.

• Someone keep an eye on Belgium. Where even is that country? Do we know? What’s it doing? We need answers!

  

• Move the U.N. building to North Dakota. We can’t have all those foreigners near a major city, so let’s put them in the prison colony.

• Bring back the national warning system. You know that color-coded warning system? But now it’s just one color: red.

• Be nice to each other. It may help calm things down if we’re just nice and supportive of each other. I dunno; worth a shot.