Frank Fatherhood Tips
All you need to know to be a great father
Being a father is important and rewarding. I have four kids, which means I do a lot of being a father per day. And frankly, I think I’m rather good at it.
Thus, I thought I’d pass on some tips based on my own experience of being a father. These are the most important things I’ve learned; hopefully, they’ll be useful to you.
Fatherhood Tips
Have a wife. Your wife is a good resource in handling the kids, organizing their day, feeding them, knowing where they are, caring about them, paying attention when they’re prattling on, bathing them, knowing their names, etc. Make sure to have a wife. This is crucial.
Make bad jokes. When the wife thing fails, and you have to deal directly with the kids, simply annoy them with bad jokes. Like if one of them says, “I’m hungry!” You say, “Nice to meet you, hungry.” Also, tell them really bad puns.
And that’s all the fatherhood tips I have. Do you have any other fatherhood tips?
Yeah, didn’t think so.
As a father of five . . . I totally have tips!
- Bring up that you are a father of five in EVERY conversation. Use it as leverage, sympathy, or indignation as warranted.
- Always have a Dad joke in the queue. They can do everything! Tech Tips: "Why couldn't the cow talk on the Zoom call? He was moo-ted!" Homework Help: "Why is the number 9 so sassy? Because she can't even!" Incisive Social Commentary: "Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool!"
- Many parents give advice that you should love your children equally. This is terrible advice. Let them know that they are rank ordered each morning! But critically - Don't tell them their position! "Dad! I made you brownies" "Looks like someone is moving up a rank!"
I have so much more - but as a father of five - I have no energy to write a full column.
Fist bump to all you Dad's out there!
It seems like I do more than that. Hmmm... "Ask your mother" - check. Bad jokes/puns - check. Oh, I know. It's very important that children learn the evils of taxation at an early age. Therefore it's essential that fathers collect a candy tax on any candy that the child receives. Desserts too. If your child isn't asking to get "Taxation is Theft" tattooed on their back by age 7, you're failing as a father.