Frank Ideas for Making Twitter Better
All the best advice for making Twitter a great place to be
Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter, there are hopes he can make it a better place to hang out. I already do my part writing solid gold tweets, but here are some more ideas to improve Twitter:
Be able to flag people who like certain tweets. Sometimes I see these really idiotic tweets that have like 100,000 likes. For instance, I saw someone claiming all the media is right-wing biased, and apparently lots of delusional people were lapping it up based on the likes. It would be nice to be able to put a red flag on anyone who liked those tweets, so if I ran into them later on Twitter, I’d know immediately I’m dealing with an idiot nutjob.
Have a feature for reporting good tweets. You can report terrible tweets to Twitter, but people should also be able to report Tweets that are really good. “Hey, Twitter, you need to pay attention to this tweet by Frank J. Fleming. It was super witty and clever. I don’t know what you can do with that information, but you should know about it.”
Be able to edit Tweets. This is an extremely necessary feature. I don’t need to edit my own tweets — I’m very smart and don’t make typos — but other people say really dumb things, and I would pay extra to edit their tweets.
Daily encouraging email. How about a daily email saying how great my tweets are and thanking me for making Twitter a better place? I don’t know if people other than me should get this email, but I should definitely get it.
Bring back Trump and give him reply immunity. Everyone agrees Trump made Twitter more interesting, but there was also a lot of screaming at him that didn’t make Twitter a nicer place to be at. Twitter has already reinstated Trump, but they need to entice him to tweet again. And when he does, make his tweets automatically appear on everyone’s timelines and don’t allow anyone to reply to them.
A good tweets plaque. How about a plaque you send me I can hang on the wall? Something that says something like, “Writes great tweets,” and looks really official. It could go in my office.
Randomly suspend left-wingers. Just pick some left-wingers, suspend them from Twitter, and never respond to any requests asking why. They never got to experience that, so it will be fun and new for them.
A trophy. A really good idea would be to give me a trophy — a big one — for my great tweets that could go over my fireplace. That actually seems like the best way to acknowledge and honor my great tweets.
Kick people off Twitter who constantly report tweets. Usually, it’s people who get their tweets reported who get kicked off of Twitter, but that’s backward. If someone is constantly reporting tweets, i.e., continually running into tweets that upset him, then he must be having a terrible time on Twitter. Help him out by kicking him off the site.
A sash. I just realized that while a plaque or a trophy would let me know my tweets are appreciated, regular people I pass by on the street don’t know I’m a big deal on Twitter. So you should send me a sash that says something like “Important Tweeter” so everyone knows to treat me with reverence.
Shock people. Sometimes I see a tweet so bad, I want to physically hurt that person. There should be a method to do so. People who write bad tweets should be forced to wear some sort of device that will shock them. This could be a big money-maker for Twitter because you’ll have to make a payment to Twitter to activate the shock device and hurt the person with bad ideas.
Give me cash. All the acknowledgments of my great tweets would be nice, but I think, in the end, I just want money. So whenever I write a great tweet, I should soon hear a doorbell, and then at the door should be someone delivering me one of those canvas sacks of cash. That will really motivate me to write more tweets that make Twitter such a great place.
There are all my ideas. Do you have any ideas on how to make Twitter better? Tell me in the comments (though they probably won’t be as good as my ideas).
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