Are you tired of talking about coherent political principles to an uncaring audience? Are you run down by the difficulty of enacting real political change? Can you no longer stand watching other people who seem dumb as rocks gain large followings and contributions?
What if I told you that you can turn political ideas into money, and it’s easy? They don’t even have to be good ideas. In fact, the dumber, the better.
What you need is Frank J.’s Easy Money Guide to Political Grifting.
Let others waste their time making political philosophies that make sense and have ideas that have some chance of being implemented. I’m going to help you be loud, dumb, angry, and — most of all — rich!
For ten easy payments of $39.99, I’m going to teach you how to make thousands of dollars a day using your political beliefs, no matter how idiotic they are. It doesn’t matter if you’re right, left, or an annoying centrist everyone hates — your loud views could be making you rich. All you need are my tips such as:
How to turn any random news story into the biggest political outrage ever.
Why there’s no good or bad attention — just attention.
Ways to monetize getting dragged on Twitter.
How to trick people into thinking your shamelessness is brave truth-telling.
When is the time to switch sides for even more attention.
The true key to grifting: consistency, consistency, consistency. Those are the three demons you must slay.
You’re going to learn it all in Frank J.’s Easy Money Guide to Political Grifting. Just look at these testimonials:
“I’ve turned not knowing anything about economics into cold hard cash! I thought I would get in trouble decrying rich people while being rich, but now I know better.” —Bernie S.
“People are always all over my political statements — saying how stupid and contradictory they are. And then I turn around and tell my followers how I’m being attacked for telling the truth. I’m getting so much attention!” —Charlie K.
“I used to play the sucker’s game of trying to get respect for my views, but now I just say the dumbest things and watch as everyone piles on me and I make bank.” —Bill K.
“People scream at me and call me the worst things — pointing out all my obvious lies and blatant hypocrisy. It’s great! I’m getting so much attention and turning that into cash!” —Tim P.
As a little white kid growing up in Kentucky, I never dreamed I could be a leader of the black movement, but here I am! Do black lives matter? I have no idea, but their money sure does!” —Shaun K.
“I didn’t even know what conservatism was (they don’t like abortion?), but now I’m the best at it. The best. I’m raking in the contributions, and people talk about me constantly every day — way more than that Rob DeSantis (who is a loser).” —Donald T.
So stop wasting your time trying to have meaningful views and trying to enact real change — the only change you need is growing your bank account. And you’ll do that by being a political grifter with the help of Frank J.’s Easy Money Guide to Political Grifting. So, write those checks and send them my way, and any day you’ll be rich. If after sending the check, you don’t get the guide right away, don’t worry; it’s coming. But maybe try sending another check to speed it up.
I demand you make this into an actual book.
Also Trump mugshot jock straps. It's Trump on Your Junk!