Frank Masculinity Tips

Tips on being a man from America's greatest man

There’s a lot of discussion lately about masculinity. There’s talk of the dangers of toxic masculinity, and on the other end of the spectrum there’s the man-children giving terrible advice. So, as a really cool dude and father of four, I think I’ll share my advice on being a man.

Frank Masculinity Tips

• Own a nice metal pen. I don’t think this one requires a lot of explanation. It’s a nice metal pen. Fancy. Just the sort of pen a man would own.

• Quote Shakespeare a lot. A man should be educated, and the best way to demonstrate that is to quote Shakespeare over and over in every conversation. Say things like “Aye, there’s the rub,” which can be used in lots of situation — some that doesn’t even involve rubbing. And if anyone ever seems confused, say, “That was Shakespeare!” like the guy is an idiot. Because he is an idiot — because he doesn’t know Shakespeare like you, a man.

• Have a good grunt. Men should grunt a lot. You should have an affirmative grunt, a negative grunt, and an ambivalent grunt for starters and use those in 95% of your responses. A true man should always be grunting or quoting Shakespeare.

• Practice punching trees. Punching trees is a great way to be manly. Trees are really big, so it’s pretty manly to beat them up — but they also don’t fight back, so the risk is minimal. If you really want to impress someone, punch a tree really hard and say you knocked it unconscious. No one will be able to dispute that unless there’s an arborist around (and usually there isn’t).

• Have a Y chromosome. Oh yeah, this is a pretty important one. Maybe should have been first. One big thing in masculinity is having Y chromosomes — preferably, one in each cell of your body. Masculinity is pretty impossible without that.