Frank News: Political News Overload
A lot has happened in the last couple weeks
I used to do news round ups, but I stopped doing them because I didn’t want to get stuck in a rut. Lately, though, we’ve had the most news! This has to be the craziest presidential election in my lifetime, and I’m pretty old now (45).
Let’s go through what happened.
The Debate
So all during campaign season, the Biden campaign was like, “Biden’s brain works great!” And they had slogans like: “Biden 2024: His brain works fine.” And so all the time we were like, “Can we see Biden and how well is brain works?” And the campaign was like, “No. It will be too much for you.”
But then came the debate. Finally a chance to see Biden and how energetic and smart he was!
But that’s not what happened.
Biden did not have a working brain. He would get halfway through a sentence and his brain would just shutdown. That is not what a working brain is supposed to do.
To win the debate, all Trump had to do was stand there and watch as Biden tripped up on every question.
“What’s your favorite color, Mr. President?”
“My favorite… uh… color… um… uh… <inaudible mumbling>… We beat Medicare!”
Dems in Disarray
You know how when Gargamel would get near the Smurf village, the Smurfs would just run around in random directions (remember, I’m 45 and these are the references I know)? Well, that was the Democrats in the weeks after the debate.
They knew they needed to get rid of Biden, But those around Biden didn’t want him to go. Like his wife Jill who is a doctor (but not the kind who does anything useful) and was going to be on the cover of Vogue, and Hunter, Biden’s son who loves crack. And maybe Biden wanted to stay as president, but he was too incoherent to know for sure.
And all the Dems could do is wheel Biden out every week or so, let him mumble a bit in an interview, and pretended that proved he was okay.
And the scariest thing through this all: Trump was absolutely quiet. The Democrats are falling apart, and Trump didn’t make a sound to get the attention back to him. We didn’t know he could do that. It’s like the scene in Jurassic Park where the velociraptor uses the door handle.
Trump Gets Shot
But then Trump ends up in the news… but it wasn’t his fault! Somebody shot him! With a gun!
Apparently a guy got on a roof with a rifle and everyone was like, “Hey, there’s a guy on that roof with a rifle who is going to shoot Trump!” And the Secret Service was like, “That roof is sloped. It’s dangerous to go up there. There is nothing we can do.” And so Trump got shot — in his ear — and the Secret Service head Cheadle just shrugged and went, “Well, sometimes presidents get shot.”
The Republican National Convention
And then right after Trump got shot, there was the Republican National Convention, where JD Vance was announced as Trump’s new running mate (what happened to Pence?). JD Vance wrote a book and Opie turned it into a movie, so the guy is like famous already… though not as famous as Hulk Hogan who ripped his shirt apart in a speech introducing Trump! It was awesome!
And then Trump gave the best convention speech ever because he had something much more interesting to talk about than dumb politics: He talked about getting shot!
Well, it was a really interesting for 30 minutes, but then the speech went on for like five hours more. Eventually they had to cut it off for fear Trump could lose the election because all his supporters would still be listening to his speech on Election Day.
Biden Drops Out
But then Biden dropped out of the race! Man, they talk about debates not usually mattering, but Trump now officially won his debate by knockout.
And the Democrats quickly rallied around Kamala Harris as their new candidate because she’s there and it’s simple. She’s not like the best candidate, but her brain works (mostly).
And the Democrats are super-energized now because it’s much easier to pretend to be excited for your run-of-mill mediocre politician than someone who is a barely walking corpse.
And no one has seen Biden since as he dropped out by tweeting he was dropping out — and everyone knows he doesn’t actually write his own tweets. So it’s not really confirmed Biden knows he dropped out. Or that Biden’s alive. But to be honest, I don’t think people care that much anymore.
Well, that’s all the crazy news from lately! Who knows how many more black swans between now and Election Day.
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