Frank News: Recession, Monkeypox, and Batgirl

The news explained by the smartest person you know (me, Frank)

It’s time again for me to explain the news! I hope you weren’t paying attention to current events so this will all be a surprise.

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Recession

Oh no! Biden has gone even more senile and now has no idea what a recession is. Usually, that would be two quarters of negative growth, and though that’s exactly what we had, Biden is all like, “What’s a recession? I’ve never heard of a recession. Two quarters? Back in my day, quarters had bees on them. ‘Two bees to ride the trolley,’ we’d say.”

And not only is Biden senile, but somehow his senility is spreading among the Democrats (wearing a mask does nothing!). Kamala Harris can barely string two coherent words together, and the rest of the Democrats not only don’t know what a recession is, but they also don’t know what a woman is or even remember the Constitution.

We need some really big old folks home to put the Democrats in. With locks on it.

Monkeypox

So when COVID was spreading, health officials were like, “You need to wrap your kids’ heads in duct tape and keep them in a basement for two years, or you want to murder grandma!” But now we have monkeypox, and the same health officials are saying, “It’s just unreasonable to expect people to not have sex with monkeys.”

I know this doesn’t look good for health officials, but there is a reasonable explanation: A while back, health officials were doing a study on the criminally insane, but the insane people escaped, murdered all the health officials, and took over the CDC. So if you see anyone giving you health advice, immediately tie him up and call the police. And be especially careful of one named “Fauci”; He makes Hannibal Lector look like a cub scout.