Frank News: The Slap, LGBT Disney, and Daily Wire Kids

I'm in the news this time!

It’s time once again for me to explain the news to you. So if you haven’t been paying attention, here you go. And some of the news kind of involves me this time! Hooray!

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The Slap Heard Around the World

The biggest news of the week and maybe of the century is that Will Smith slapped Chris Rock during the Oscars. Now, nobody is watching the Oscars because it’s all about awards for movies no one watched (and some I’m pretty sure are made up — “Power of the Dog”?), but now they got people’s attention. While we were watching something else, my wife was on Twitter, and she suddenly blurted out, “Will Smith punched Chris Rock!”

And I was like, “Nonsense, you foolish woman. You must have read something wrong.”

“No, he went right up on stage and punched Chris Rock.”

“That couldn’t have happened. You’re spouting nothing but nonsense. I won’t put up with your balderdash!”

And it ends up I was right because Will Smith didn’t punch Chris Rock; he slapped him. It wasn’t a closed fist like what my wife hit me with.

Anyway, I wasn’t alive for the moon landing, but I got to be alive for this, and it’s just as amazing.

LGBT Disney and Daily Wire Kids

So Disney has declared loudly that they want to teach your kids all about sexual lusts and that women aren’t a real thing. That’s because they now consider their main customer base to be sex perverts.

So what to do? How will you keep that pantless Donald Duck away from your kids when he’s everywhere? Well, Jeremy Boering, the CEO of the Daily Wire, announced they’re going to put $100 million over the next three years into kids programming. And that’s currently what my day job is as a Scripted Creator for the Daily Wire: to work on programming for Daily Wire Kids good enough to take down Disney. Actually, I should probably be working on that right now; don’t tell Jeremy I have this Substack.

Boy, I remember when Jeremy told us what our job was. He walked up to Ethan Nicolle, Eric Branscum, and me and said, “Okay, guys, I need you to completely destroy Disney. How long do you think that will take? Like two weeks?”

And we were like, “Oh man. That’s a big job. We probably need like… four weeks.”

“You got three weeks!” Jeremy said and stormed off.

So, anyway, we need to take down Disney in the next three weeks. Wish us luck!