Frank Solutions: Immigration

I have a proposal for unlimited immigration that absolutely everyone will love

Immigration sure is a contentious issue. For one, we have tons of illegal immigration and a lot of arguments over how aggressive to be on deportation or whether to have a path to citizenship. There are also accusations that Democrats don’t want to stop illegal immigration at all because that’s just them trying to import more voters for themselves, while Democrats accuse Republicans of racism for not liking all the people coming here illegally.

And then there is legal immigration, which is really complicated to get — many say too complicated and too limited (which is why many go the illegal route). But how many people should we be allowing in the country per year?

Well, what if I said I have a proposal for unlimited immigration — allow people in this country with no limits — that absolutely everyone (including those currently saying we should have zero immigration) will love?

Impossible, you say? You have not factored in how smart I am.

So, here is my proposal: For every immigrant who comes into this country, we deport one white liberal who hates America.

This is a win-win for everyone. For those who want more immigration, we’ll now allow as much immigration as people who want to come here. But as for those worried all the new immigration will just get the Democrats more votes, answer me this: Who is more likely to vote for a Republican: a new immigrant or a white liberal who hates America? Obviously, the former. Everyone would have to agree it would only help the character of this country to replace white liberals who hate America with basically anyone who actually likes this country and wants to be here. And for those always worried about racial issues, they’re going to love this trade of white people for who will be majority non-white. And for those worried about changing the country's composition, with the type of people we’ll be deporting, we’ll only be losing professors who taught useless majors and a few rude baristas; it seems extremely unlikely whoever replaces them could be worse.

And as for the white liberals who hate America: Great news! You’re no longer going to be in America. You’re going to be… somewhere else (wherever we can get cheap shipment to; we still need to be wary of costs). And if you try to come back, we’ll shoot you.

So, there is my proposal for unlimited immigration that everyone can get behind. All the immigration people want, but in a way guaranteed to make sure America is filled with people who like this country. Because if you don’t like freedom and apple pie and capitalism, we’ll exchange you for people who do.