Frank Tips to Fix the Republican Party
New Year, New Party
The Republicans have had a rough time. 2022 was supposed to be a red wave election for them with Biden historically unpopular, and yet they just barely got a majority in the House and even lost ground in the Senate. Since it’s a new year and I like to be helpful (Helpful Frank, they call me), I have some tips for fixing the Republican Party and help them be competitive come 2024 (I assume there are some elections this year, but no one cares about those).
Frank Tips to Fix the Republican Party
Better candidate quality. So, a big problem with 2022 was that the Republicans nominated a number of candidates that were aggressively terrible and no one wanted to vote for. The idea was that people would have to vote for them anyway because the other choice was a Democrat. Still, I think it’s worth considering nominating some candidates who aren’t actively trying to chase away the average voter. Like if you were to divide the entire population into two halves based on how terrible they are, like maybe get a few candidates from the least terrible 50%. I know that’s rare for a politician, but it might be worth trying. Just an idea. Take it or leave it. Don’t bite my head off.
Give Trump a job to keep him busy. A lot of people think Donald Trump has become a distraction and are afraid he’ll keep all the future elections about himself. Well, why don’t the Republicans give Trump a special job so he’s busy with that? Like maybe it could be his job to fill the water cooler in the Republican breakroom. “Trump, you need to stay in that breakroom and watch the water cooler and fill it as soon as it’s empty. It’s important all Republicans remain hydrated.” There; now he’s out of everyone's hair.
Try to better connect with the average man. One of the problems with politicians like the Republican leadership is they’re all weirdo sociopaths who spend trillions like it’s nothing and thus are far removed from the concerns of the average man. If Republicans could think more like the average Joe, that could give them an election advantage. I don’t know how you get there, though; maybe there’s an article in the New Yorker about how the common man thinks. Or, at the least, you could try streaming some of the shows they watch. Does anyone have any idea what NCIS is?
Make Trump president of the moon. Okay, the water cooler thing didn’t work. He’s doing Tik Toks from the water cooler about how many more water jugs he can carry than “weak” DeSantis. It’s getting a lot of attention, and it isn’t really helping the Republicans. You need to put him somewhere more remote. Tell him you’ve made him President of the Moon. You can have Space Force give him a presidential escort to his new domain. That should keep Trump distracted for a bit.
Just steal the election. I guess I made this suggestion before, but it’s really worth considering. If stealing an election just means rigging a few voting machines and taking over a few vote-counting operations, it seems like the Republicans can do that. That way, you can win no matter what and don’t have to worry about appealing to those fickle voters. What do they know? They watch NCIS.
Fight off the moon invasion. Okay, making Trump the President of the Moon was the worst idea ever. Ends up Space Force is still loyal to him, and now he’s launching an invasion from the moon. The RNC headquarters getting bombarded with moon rocks has to be the worst intra-party fighting in history. Just make some sort of truce with him and give him what he wants. I don’t know how we’ll ship the Washington Monument to the moon, but make it happen.
Try a different industry than politics. Maybe it’s just time to admit the Republicans are no good at politics and should do something else. Here’s my idea: Republican brand snack cakes. Everyone loves snack cakes. Get the Republican leadership working on some good recipes that can be mass-produced. You’re going down, Little Debbie!
Well, those are my ideas to fix the Republican Party. What do you think can help them? Or do you think I’m completely out of line and the Republican Party is perfect? Tell me in the comments.
And if there is demands, I can come up with a list of how to fix the Democratic Party as well.
This was hilarious!
Let Trump carve his name into the moon, that'll keep him busy for a while. And then "accidentally" explode one of the letters (I would recommend T) like in the Tick cartoon.