Best of the Bee: Part 3
Senior
This is the beginning of the Senior Writer era, where basically on the same day I turned 40, I saw that The Babylon Bee now listed me on the website as their “senior” writer. I guess being a Senior Writer really lit a fire under me, because I was going to highlight my favorites from June 2019 until the end of the year, but there were too many and I had to break it up. Whatever. We’re in no rush.
This is another example of arguing two different things at the same time — seamlessly moving between the two — which I always enjoy. I remember I had pitched this one a while before, but we had a The Princess Bride article recently on the Bee. I tried to come up with some trollish bait to use in place of insulting The Princess Bride, but failed to think of anything that seemed as funny. A lot of people didn’t seem to get the point of this one, though, and argued with the slur against The Princess Bride. The Princess Bride is one of my favorite movies, though; still, for some reason I had fun coming up with ways to insult it.
I remember this one primarily as the later inspiration for the AOC shoelaces article (which I’ll get to eventually). Someone on Twitter or something was going on about how it’s unfair to AOC, but AOC wasn’t even the target of this one. The target was journalists who would twist themselves in knots trying to explain away AOC’s stupid behavior. This was inspired by when she compared migrant detention facilities to concentration camps and the left were split in responding by saying she wasn’t actually comparing them to Nazi concentration camps and that comparing them to Nazi concentration camps was a smart comparison.
Trump Enraged As Immigrant Child Asks Him For More Gruel
This one makes me think of this one tweet that said Trump looks like the villain in the movie where the hero is a dog. The less humorous way to say that is he’s like a villain in a movie or show aimed at little kids — that’s to say he’s more like Team Rocket than the Hitler he often got portrayed as. Well, here was Trump embracing that villainy. I just loved his bragging about how thin the gruel is. “It’s practically water.”
Antifa Shatters Mirror In Attempt To Punch Nazi
I don’t know what to say about this except here is me nailing a short headline. I was never really that good at headlines, so it was nice when I had a good pithy one. But since I really nailed the headline, there just wasn’t much to the article and thus not much to discuss here. Anyway, the fascists anti-fascists are dumb.
New Atheist Chick-fil-A Competitor Only Open On Sundays
The inspiration for this is how often my family has wanted to eat at Chick-fil-A for lunch on Sundays — since we always eat out on Sundays after church. That also made me realize that if an atheist made his only open on Sundays Chick-fil-A competitor, most of the clientele would be churchgoers having lunch after church. Irony.
I love the fedora addition to the logo. I think Ethan Nicolle made this graphic.
Pay Gap Between Men's And Women's Teams Reveals Shocking Truth That People Are Paid To Play Soccer
I just love the baffled to frightened reactions to the shocking idea that somehow soccer in America is making money enough to pay people salaries. There are presented some theories to how soccer is making money which to me all sound more plausible than people enjoying watching soccer.
Know what’s fun, though? That show Ted Lasso.
Trump Proves He's Not A Racist By Showing His Rejection Letter From The KKK
This might be one of my all-time favorites. I just love the logic of it. It’s also a gag on the whole concept of how there’s no way to prove you’re not a racist when you get that charge. Well, Trump figured out how.
Of course, part of the humor of the article is Democrats reacting to this revelation with no one asking the obvious question.
I’m a dad. Stupid puns make me laugh. I especially love the one in the article I added about Hillary because it is so so dumb I felt the need to add the apology at the end.
Innovative New Process Converts Vegetables Into Meat By Feeding Them To Cows
I mean, people keep trying to figure out how to make vegetables tasty, and God already gave us the solution. One thing I like in this article is the dumb, jock scientists which I had used in a couple of different articles.
Why Can't We Return To How Peaceful The World Was Before Guns?
This is a historically significant article as it is the first appearance of where the inventor of [x] is named Bob [x]. This is a big reoccurring gag from me in the articles, though I mainly later deployed it out of laziness because I could do this stupid joke instead of googling who the actual CEO is (e.g., Bob Netflix is the founder and CEO of Netflix). I don’t know how many readers latched onto that joke, but it was big to us internally at the Bee.
My other favorite part of this article is the name of all the World Wars like it’s a movie series.
My frustration with the left is arguing economics with them is like explaining to a four-year-old why you can’t eat ice cream for breakfast every day. If a child entered the debates and said, “Let’s just make everything free!” another Democratic candidate couldn’t rebut that without angering the loudest portion of the online left.
Prodigal Son Kicked Back Out After Old Tweets Surface
This is perhaps one of my best articles considering The Babylon Bee brand. It’s a great combination of a Biblical story and modern political reference. Despite the church humor being what made The Babylon Bee unique, it was always hard to get much momentum with that online (shares, retweets, etc.). It was always the political stuff that took off, but when you can relate modern political issues back to the Bible, sweet.
Well, that’s enough for now. I’ll later have much more Bee greatness to share before I assume I eventually became bloated, uninspired, and burnt-out.
"Pay Gap Between Men's And Women's Teams Reveals Shocking Truth That People Are Paid To Play Soccer". Priceless!
Absolutely hysterical, which is why we love you