The Strait of Hormuz has been in the news lately because of the war against Iran. If you’re like most Americans, you’ve never thought much about the Strait of Hormuz (or anything outside our borders, for that matter), so here are some important facts so you can talk about it now and sound smart.
Fun Facts About the Strait of Hormuz
Was discovered by Bob Hormuz.
“Straight” is misspelled because they don’t know English well in the Middle East.
It’s actually not that straight but kind of curved.
It’s controlled by Iran who only likes evil to be able to sail through it.
Iran may close it because we blew up their Ayatollah (blowing up their Ayatollah is frowned upon in their religion).
We said we were sorry, but we obviously didn’t mean it since we blew up the next Ayatollah.
Protecting ships going through it is supposed to be a job for Aquaman, but he was kidnapped by the Houthis.
It can be avoided by just using a plane, which is way better than a boat.
They don’t have planes in the Middle East, though — they think they’re demons and throw rocks at them.
If you find yourself surrounded by the Strait of Hormuz, begin paddling.
On the other side of the Strait from Iran is the United Arab Emirates, but they can’t help as they’re too busy fighting their rival, the Divided Arab Emirates.
The main thing shipped through the Strait of Hormuz is oil. The second biggest product shipped through it is terrorism.
If the Strait of Hormuz is closed, that will cut off 25% of the world’s oil supply, which means even more people will have to buy Teslas and Elon will get even richer and his memes even danker.
Iran has threatened to put mines in the Strait of Hormuz, but the mines would sink to the bottom, and the only thing that would walk on them would be like crabs.
Oh, I guess there are special floating mines. People who like blowing stuff up think of everything!
The last time the Strait of Hormuz was shutdown was in 2019 when someone on the internet said, “More like the Gay of Hormuz” and it completely devastated Iran.
There has been talk about relocating the Strait of Hormuz to someplace other than the Middle East where there is less war, like the tropics.
The current solution, though, is to get a new regime in charge of Iran who likes it when we blow up their Ayatollahs. A bunch of people there have to find that as funny as we do.
The whole thing, though, shows the problems of having wars for oil in faraway places. We instead need wars for oil closer, like in Canada.
“The Ottomans controlled the Bosphorus at their heartland with absolute ease, turning the sea into a moat for their capital. The Iranians, conversely, did not even own the other side of the Hormuz. They even needed the English to expel the Portuguese from the island itself. Their borders were porous and their flanks exposed.”
I recently had a guest on to discuss the geopolitical threats to Iran as compared to Turkey, stemming back from the Ottomans and Safavids.
https://nathankyoung.substack.com/p/the-poetry-of-gunpowder?r=2kp7ol
I still don't get why we didn't just take Venezuela's oil. Woulda made this all much easier.