Guide to Protecting Yourself from Woke
Some concrete ideas to protect you and your family from wokeness
There’s so much woke out there these days it’s hard to know what to do to keep yourself safe from its evil influence. Luckily, I’ve made this guide to tell you just what to do. Follow all these steps to be safe:
Carbon Date Your Books
You might think, “Oh, I’ll just get old books to ensure they’re not infected with woke nonsense.” Yeah, but they’ll edit old books now to make them woke; like they changed Ronald Dahl’s books so that Willie Wonka is now transgender. You need to actually carbon date your books and make sure they’re from the pre-woke times — from at least before 2010.
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If You See Colored Hair, Run
Colored hair is an obvious sign of woke. If you see unnatural hair colors like purple or blue, just head the other way. If you see bright red, that can in fact be a natural color, but then that person is a ginger and you might as well avoid them, too.
Get Rid of Your TV
And you might think, “I’ll just watch old TV shows, and there won’t be any woke lectures.” Wrong! They got AI now to change all the old shows so that now Andy Griffith will tell Richie Cunningham all about intersectionality. You need to just get rid of your TV… except for Bentkey. Bentkey is guaranteed woke-free and has great kids’ programming written by the greatest geniuses writing today. Subscribe to Bentkey!1
Pay Attention to Your HR Department
If you’re worried about your company turning woke, pay attention to the HR department, as that’s where woke starts. Do they ask for your pronouns on forms? Do they have a chief of DEI? Do they have a team-building exercise where they beat white people with sticks? These are all signs of wokeness.
Own a Shotgun
A shotgun is an extremely useful tool. If someone starts to tell you their pronouns, using the pump action will make them stop 100% of the time.
Investigate Your Church
Wokeness is even affecting churches; instead of worshipping God, they worship the pride flag. You need to talk to your pastor and ask, “So, do you know who Jesus is?” And if he’s like, “No, but I know all about Ibram X. Kendi,” you get out of there!
I guess asking about Jesus might not work if you’re a religion other than Christianity, but I really recommend Christianity. It’s the best religion.
Avoid the Internet
On the internet, you don’t know who is influencing you and tracking you. While they’re rewriting Wikipedia, they’re also putting these things called “cookies” on your computer so they know where you’ve been. “Oh, this guy went to Frank Talk; we better watch him to maybe grab him and put him in a camp in the big woke revolution.” If you need to find something out, don’t use the internet; use those carbon-dated books.
But keep reading and subscribing to Frank Talk. It’s worth the risk.
You may think avoiding Hollywood and all its wokeness is easy — just stay away from all the new movies. But Hollywood does not give up that easily. They will come door to door to try and get you if you never come to their movies. So, if you hear a knock and it’s Timothée Chalamet and he says he wants to talk to your kids alone about something, don’t let him even though he’s a big-time star. You keep an eye on that guy.
Be Careful Where You Get Your News
It’s well known that all of the mainstream media is taken over by woke, and it’s even encroaching on entities like FOX News. And even all the big names on social media are pushing agendas. So don’t trust anything unless it’s from a guy with seven followers on Twitter.
It’s unknown where woke can go, and it may have people saying things like, “Eating is white supremacy!” I’d stock food just in case they make supermarkets illegal. And also get oxygen tanks in case they decide oxygen is the cause of all our problems and start attacking trees. Hopefully, soon, everyone who is woke will starve or die of suffocation, and then just those who read this guide will be left. And then I will be king. I will be just and fair and not woke. And very rich and powerful.
So there are all the tips for keeping yourself safe from woke and being a part of the Fleming Empire which will reign for thousands of years. Good luck!
Full Disclosure: I am employed by Daily Wire who owns Bentkey, and if lots of people don’t subscribe to their new kids’ programming, I’ll lose my job and have to live as a hobo and have to pimp paid subscriptions to my Substack even harder.