G.U.N. Under the Knife

D.O.G.E comes for Sonic

“Hey, I found a new agency I think we need to cut,” Elon Musk said, barging into the Oval Office.

President Trump sighed. “You again. You weird me out. When are you going to go back to catching space rockets?”

“Cutting government spending is an even more complex and more important task,” Elon said.

“Fine. Whatever — just make it quick,” Trump replied. “I gotta make peace in the Middle East and end a bunch of different wars because that previous administration was a bunch of losers. Sleepy Joe — he just slept while the world caught fire. Lucky I’m here now. So what do you have?”

“I found a government organization we’re spending $50 billion a year on, and I’m not really sure it’s needed. It’s called ‘Guardian Units of Nations.’”

“What? I already hate it. Get rid of it. Who would want an organization called that?”

“Well, it’s usually called G.U.N., for short,” Elon explained.

“Oh. I like that. That’s a good acronym. Maybe I’m being too hasty here. What do they do?”

“Why don’t I just show you the main subjects of G.U.N.,” Elon said. Into the room walked a blue creature, a red creature, and an orange creature, each just a few feet tall.

“What am I looking at?” Trump asked.

Elon pointed to the blue one. “This is Sonic the Hedgehog.” He pointed to the red one. “Knuckles the Echidna.” He pointed to the orange one. “And Tails the Fox.”

“Let me just say I’m a big fan, Mr. Preisdent,” Sonic said. “I love the color orange.”

“I still don’t understand what I’m looking at,” Trump said. “I guess we got a fox with two tails we call ‘Tails.’ The red one has big knuckles, so he’s called ‘Knuckles.’ And the blue one is called ‘Sonic’ because he’s… loud?”

Sonic frowned. “Loud?”

“Sonic does mean ‘sound waves,’” Tails told him.

“I thought it meant I was fast!” Sonic exclaimed.

Knuckles laughed. “Ha! Your name means you are loud and annoying!”

Elon turned to Trump. “Sonic is in fact very, very fast.”

“We’re spending $50 billion a year to make a hedgehog fast?” Trump exclaimed. “Were they not fast before?”

“The average running speed of a hedgehog is four miles per hour,” Elon told him.

Trump was quiet for a few seconds. “Yeah… that’s not very fast. I’m not sure it’s worth $50 billion to make them faster, though. I mean… what exactly do we need fast hedgehogs for?”

“To protect the planet!” Sonic announced.

Trump shrugged. “Don’t we have guns and missiles for that?”

“Trump, sir,” Knuckles said. “I hear you have the heart of a warrior. I, too, am a warrior. All I ask is that you unleash me on your enemies — these ‘woke’ you speak of. When I deal with them…” Knuckles punched a small table, shattering it into splinters. “…they will be awake no more!”

Trump turned to Elon. “I like this one. What did you say he was?”

“An echidna.”

“And what’s that?”

“It’s like a hedgehog that lays eggs.”

“We’re paying $50 billion a year to make hedgehogs lay eggs!” Trump exclaimed. “I thought we were done with the gender nonsense.”

“No, they already laid eggs,” Elon explained. “This one is also, though, really, really fast.”

Trump furrowed his brow. “And the fox is fast, too?”

“And I can fly!” Tails said as he spun his tail like a helicopter and floated in the air.

Trump stared at Tails. “Okay, I don’t like this one. He’s not allowed to talk to me anymore.”

“Aww,” Tails whined. “Why?”

“I’m the president,” Trump said. “I don’t need to explain why I don’t like someone. And — nothing personal — I have an intense hatred for you and you need to never talk again.”

“Mr. President, I don’t think you understand how important we are to this planet,” Sonic stated.

Trump looked at Elon. “Now the loud one is talking to me.”

“I’m not the loud one!” Sonic shouted, and then lowered his voice. “What you need us for is to stop menaces like the Robotniks.”

Trump raised an eyebrow. “The what?”

“Ivo Robotnik and Gerald Robotnik were scientists who went mad and made robots to attack us,” Elon explained. “Sonic and his friends have helped fight them in the past. But I have a better solution than funding G.U.N. to end that threat. Since both Robotniks started out working for the government, we just also pull funding for all mad scientists in the future. If we don’t fund them in the first place, then we won’t need G.U.N. funding to stop them with fast woodland creatures.”

“That’s a good plan.” Trump turned to Sonic and his team. “Okay, so you’re funding is pulled. Show me how fast you are by getting out of my sight.”

“I can’t believe this!” Sonic exclaimed. “I’m glad I didn’t vote for you… though that’s mainly because I don’t pay attention to politics and am a space alien who can’t vote.”

Knuckles approached Trump. “But, sir, can I still smash our enemies for free? I need no money — just my muscles.”

Trump turned to Elon. “Actually, I like the red one. Let’s find something for him.” Trump spotted someone walking by his office door. “Hey! Pete! You’re out as Secretary of Defense! This red guy is that now.”

“Aww,” Pete Hegseth sighed.

Knuckles pumped his fist in the air. “Yes! Secretary of Defense! And the best defense is a good offense! And the best offense is… MORE OFFENSE!”

“You got the right attitude,” Trump said. “You’re going to do great… just don’t lay any eggs. That’s weird.”

“What about me?” Sonic asked. “How about I be Secretary of Transportation? Since I’m fast… not loud.”

Trump shook his head. “No, I’m afraid if you’re around, then this guy…” He motioned to Tails. “…is going to be around too, and I might run into him… which I don’t want because I hate him so much.” He turned to Tails. “No offense.”

Tails frowned. “None… taken?”

“You’re talking,” Trump stated. “I told you not to do that. Okay, we’re done here.” He looked at Sonic and Tails. “Bye bye.” He turned to Knuckles. “And you, get to it.”

Sonic and Tails sulked as they exited the office while Knuckles left triumphantly, yelling, “Someone find me a map of Earth so I can decide who to war with first!”

When only Trump and Elon remained, Trump turned to Elon and asked, “So what’s next on the chopping block?”

“Something called the ‘Avengers Initiative.’”

“Avengers? What are they for?”

“I guess if we get attacked,” Elon said, “they’ll avenge us.”

Trump scoffed. “Nothing is going to go wrong while I’m president, so we won’t need any avenging. Cut ‘em!”