Harry Potter and the Agents of Misery

Harry Potter just wants another fun year of magic and adventure at Hogwarts, but some creatures are intent on preventing that.

Harry Potter ran to embrace Ron and Hermione as he met them on the grounds of Hogwarts. “It’s so good to see you! Time for another magical year at Hogwarts!”

“I’m sure we’ll face many supernatural challenges again,” Hermione said, “but I’ll be able to help with my book smarts.”

“And I’ll be around too!” Ron added.

“Yes, there’s nothing we can’t accomplish,” Harry said, “not with my bravery, Hermione’s cleverness, and Ron’s... um...”

“I got red hair!” Ron suggested.

Harry nodded at him. “Yes. That you do.”

The happiness of being back at Hogwarts with Harry’s friends was marred by this odd feeling of dread. He looked up to see dark figures in black cloaks flying above them in an overcast sky that seemed to suck all the happiness out of the day. He shuddered to watch them. “What are those?”

“Dementors,” said a wise old voice. Hobbling toward Harry and his friends was Dumbledore.

“Dementors?” Harry asked, unable to take his eyes off the awful things.

“Yes, miserable beings who want nothing more than to spread their misery,” Dumbledore explained.

“Why?” Hermione inquired.

Dumbledore shrugged. “They’re assholes.”

“Can’t you cast a spell to make them go away?” Ron asked.

Dumbledore chuckled. “One day, you’ll have to learn, young...” Dumbledore stared at Ron for a moment, trying to remember his name. “...Harry’s second friend, that not all problems can be solved by magic. Yes, the Dementors will continue to prowl the grounds of Hogwarts, looking for anyone having fun so they can suck out all the joy and happiness here, but you’ll just have to ignore them. Now, I need to go and do... whatever it is I do when I’m not dispensing wisdom to Harry.”

Dumbledore shuffled off as Harry returned to staring up at the circling Dementors.

“No, Harry,” Hermione said. “We have to ignore them.”

Harry forced his gaze away from them and smiled. “Yes, another year of fun and adventure.”

“With me included!” Ron added.

They walked off toward the Great Hall, making sure not to look up at the sky again.

---

Harry, Hermione, and Ron huddled in the library, keeping their voices low. On the table, Harry placed an ancient-looking amulet. “I bet this magical amulet has something to do with Voldemort’s plans. And what do these inscriptions on it mean?”

“I don’t know,” Ron said.

“Of course you don’t,” Harry snapped. “I wasn’t asking you.”

“I think I remember script like this from one of my history courses,” Hermione said. “It says—”

“Wait a moment,” Harry interrupted. He had a bad feeling. He looked up, and above them floated a Dementor.

“Dumbledore says we’re just supposed to ignore them,” Hermione said.

“Fine. So what do the inscriptions say?” Harry asked.

“It says—”

“TERF,” uttered the Dementor.

Harry grimaced. “Did it just say something?”

“I think it said ‘turf,’” Ron answered.

“What does that mean?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Hermione said. “It’s just here to suck the joy out of things, and we need to ignore it.”

“You’re all TERFs for being here,” hissed the Dementor.

“What in the world is it talking about?” Harry asked.

“Ignore it!” Hermione pleaded. “So, back to the amulet—”

“You’re committing genocide,” the Dementor said.

Harry couldn’t help but turn to face the Dementor. “Genocide? How am I committing genocide?”

“That’s not ignoring it, Harry!” Hermione warned.

“But it’s completely nuts!” Harry objected.

“J.K. Rowling’s words are killing people,” said the Dementor.

“Who is J.K. Rowling?” asked an exasperated Harry.

“You’re not supposed to engage it,” Hermione said. “You’re just feeding its power.”

“Fine.” Harry turned to the Dementor. “We’re just trying to have a fun adventure full of magic and whimsy, so we’re going to go back to ignoring you, because you are barmy.” He turned to Hermione. “So, anyway, the amulet--”

“TERF! TERF! TERF!” shouted the Dementor.

“None of us even knows what that means,” Harry uttered, not looking at the Dementor.

“These things seem really sad,” Ron said. “Maybe it’s wrong to ignore them. Maybe we have to help them somehow.”

Harry thought about this and nodded. “You’re right, Ron. You’re right.”

---

“We’re sure having lots of fun here!” Harry said loudly as he and Ron and Hermione stood near the entrance to Hogwarts.

“Yes, we’re really enjoying ourselves at Hogwarts,” Ron added with a raised voice. “Hopefully, nothing comes and ruins it.” 

A dozen Dementors began to descend on the three. “TERFs,” they hissed.

Suddenly, the three pointed their wands up at the Dementors. “Incarcerous!” they shouted as ropes appeared out of thin air and bound all the Dementors. They then used their wands to direct the Dementors into the back of a carriage with barred windows and shut the doors on them.

“What’s going on here?” Dumbledore asked as he came out the front door of Hogwarts.

“We decided it was wrong just to ignore the Dementors when they’re suffering so,” Hermione explained. “So we’ve bound them up and put them in a carriage to take them to an insane asylum.”

“There, they’ll be treated and maybe injected with stuff,” Harry said. “But in the least, they’ll never bother us again.”

Dumbledore smiled. “Oh, Harry, you have shown such wisdom in deciding not to ignore obvious signs of mental illness.”

“I wonder if what we did is right, though,” Ron said. “What we’ve learned from our adventures at Hogwarts is to accept people even if they’re different. Maybe we just didn’t work hard enough to understand them.”

Dumbledore patted Ron on the head. “Shut up, you ginger git.”