He Who Must Not Be Named

Harry Potter and friends encounter a fearsome dark wizard, but the name doesn't ring a bell

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hemione Granger entered the cavern deep beneath Hogwarts.

“I knew it!” exclaimed Harry. “The attacks had to come from the legendary Cavern of Sorrows hidden underneath the Quidditch pitch. I told all the teachers my theory, but none of them listened!”

“That’s because your theories about grave threats to Hogwarts had been absolutely right every previous year,” Ron said, “so they figured you had to be due to being wrong finally this time.”

“Let’s be careful,” said Hermione shrilly, “the dark wizard behind everything could still be here.”

“And he is here,” came a cold, high voice. From out of the shadows stepped a man with pale skin, snake-like slits for nostrils, and red eyes with slits for pupils.

“Who are you?” demanded Harry, holding out his wand and using his bravest voice.

“It is I… Lord Voldemort!”

Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked back and forth to each other and finally back to Voldemort. “Who?”

“Lord Voldemort,” Voldemort repeated. “Surely you’ve heard of me.”

Harry shrugged. “No, sorry. Are you some sort of snake-themed dark wizard?”

“I’m the most fearsome dark wizard of them all!” Voldemort shrieked.

“No,” Ron said, “the greatest, most fearsome dark wizard of them all is…” Ron lowered his voice to almost a whisper. “…He Who Must Not Be Named.”

“A villain so horrifying,” Hermione added, “that no one dare says his name.”

“That’s me!” Voldemort said. “I’m He Who Must Not Be Named!”

Ron furrowed his brow. “What?”

“Well, what is the name of the guy no one says the name of?” Hermione asked.

“I don’t know,” Harry said. “I kept asking Ron, but he was too chicken to say it.”

“It’s bad luck!” Ron responded. “Plus… I don’t actually know it since no one says his name.”

“I bet the name is somewhere in the library’s Restricted Section,” Hermione said. “We should look it up next time we’re there since we break in there every other week.”

“You don’t need to look it up because I am he!” yelled Voldemort. “I, Voldemort, am the wizard you dare not speak of.”

Ron snorted a laugh. “Sorry, but the wizard so scary no one dare talk about him isn’t someone named Mort.”

“Vol-de-mort,” Voldemort enunciated.

Harry looked confused. “Vole D. Mort?”

“A vole is a small rodent related to lemmings and hamsters,” Hermione stated insufferably.

“No, it’s one word!” shrieked Voldemort. “Voldemort! And I will show you my awesome power. AVADKA KEDAVRA!”

Voldemort let loose a jet of green from his wand right at Harry. It struck with great force, sending dust and debris everywhere. But when the dust cleared, there stood Harry, unharmed.

“What?!” exclaimed Voldemort. “How have you once again survived the Killing Curse? That spell is unblockable!”

“Well, I didn’t block it,” explained Harry. “I just moved a little to the right.”

“Yeah,” said Ron. “The way you do those big movements with your wand and yell the spell gives plenty of time to move out of the way.”

“What? No! I can cast it really quickly. AVADA— Stop moving!”

“Instead of shuffling around so he can’t use dark magic on us,” Ron said, “we should fight back.”

“Yeah, this could be good practice for if one day I have to face He Who Must Not Be Named,” Harry said.

“That’s me!” Voldemort screamed. “And there is no way you children can stand up to my awesome power!”

“Actually, I’ve been working on a special spell in case I ran into a dark wizard,” Harry said. He then raised his wand and shouted, “ACCIO SHOTGUN!”

“Accio… what?” repeated Voldemort.

A pump-action shotgun flew into Harry’s hands. “EXPELLIARMUS!” Harry shouted as he fired it. The blast sent Voldemort flying backward into the cave wall, and then he crumpled into a heap.

“My dad says you don’t have to say anything when using a Muggle weapon,” Ron said.

“Yeah, but it just felt right. Wasn’t that awesome!”

“I don’t think guns are a good idea,” Hermione said. “They might get us in trouble.”

Harry and Ron groaned.

“Shut up, Hermione,” Ron stated.

“Yeah,” Harry added. “The only reason I keep Ron around even though he’s completely useless is he’s not a wet blanket like you.”

Harry noticed movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned to see that Voldemort was now standing again. “You think you can defeat me that easily? I have mastered the power of the Horcrux and—”

Harry blasted him again with the shotgun, and Voldemort fell back to the floor.

“I wonder what that guy’s problem was?” Ron asked.

“And what’s a Horcrux?” Hermione asked.

“Who cares,” Harry said. “Anyway, we completed our death-defying adventure for this year. Let’s go to Hogsmeade and get butterbeers!”

Hermione shook her head. “Don’t forget we still have some homework to do and—”

“Shut up, Hermione!” Harry and Ron shouted together as they all left the cave.

With a groan of pain, Voldemort rose again from the ground. “Ha! You still have not defeated me!” He then noticed he was alone. “Hello? Harry?” he called out. “I’m your mortal enemy!” There was no answer, and he hung his head. “I miss Albania.”