How Joe Biden Can Win Back Young People

Some great tips to appeal to all those intolerable young people

President Biden is having a lot of popularity problems, but one group polls shows he’s cratered with is young people. Well, lucky for him (if he’s reading Frank Talk as all smart people do), I have some tips to win back the youth vote.

Tips for Biden to Win Back the Youth Vote

• Wear a baseball cap backward. This one simple trick can make you look up to ten years more youthful, so you’ll look only ninety.

• Claim to help them financially. The youth are always whining about their finances — it’s one of their biggest issues. So tell them you’re going to give them so much money if you’re re-elected… but don’t actually do anything now. We will crucify you if you give our money to those whiny losers for their student loans or whatever.

• Grow a toothbrush mustache and rant about the Jews. I don’t really understand it, but young people love that sort of thing now.

• Do a Tik Tok. The youth these days love couple second long videos made by idiots since young people are too dumb to understand hour-long dramas. So make your own videos for Tik Toks. Yeah, just agree to all that data sharing and make your account. Maybe review fast food or something; I have no idea what those young idiots like and furthermore I don’t want to know.

• Invent slang. Oh, those Tik Toks are really revealing how disconnected you are from today’s young people with you using outdated terms like “malarkey.” You need to use newer language. You could learn current slang by talking to young people, but nothing is worth that. So, instead here’s a foolproof way to stay ahead of the curve: invent your own slang! You know it’s not outdated if you just made it up. So, try using some words like “floob” and “morzle”… I just came up with those!

• Oh no! They locked you up in a retirement home! Whoops. Your staffers didn’t understand you were trying to invent new slang; they just thought you completely lost it and started spouting old man gibberish. Now they’ve locked you up in a retirement home so no one will see you. You need to argue your way out of there.

• No, not more slang! Stop using those made-up words! That was a bad idea! Now they just think you’re agitated and are going to inject you with a sedative. Quick! Kick it out of his hand! Good. Now, escape out the window!

• You lost your pants! Oh no, your pants got snagged on the window latch and came off when you came out the window! Quick; find someplace to hide. How about that place over there?

• Now you’re covered in spiders! Okay, it was my bad I didn’t realize that place was a House of Insects with a special arachnid exhibit, but it was on you that you immediately tripped when you entered and broke a terrarium full of spiders! Now they’re all over you!

• Stop, drop, and roll. Okay, I know that’s advice for if you’re on fire, but I don’t know any advice for if you’re covered in spiders and that at least seems vaguely similar. Just try it. But, careful! Not out into the road!