How to Fight a Balloon

A practical guide

Science is unsure what balloons are. They may have something to do with a contained gas.

There’s a frightening new military technology out there, and it is known as a balloon. A Chinese spy balloon flew over America, and it was very scary. President Biden had written up a complete and unconditional surrender to China while it was overhead, but luckily it went over the Atlantic and the military finally figured out a way to attack it.

But what about you? Should you be worried about balloons? Absolutely. Balloons could be deploying everywhere as we speak. So what should you do if you see one?

Run.

But maybe running isn’t an option. Balloons, after all, can fly despite having no noticeable means of propulsion (magic, maybe?). You may have to stand and fight this seemingly immortal monstrosity. Luckily, I’ve been studying balloons and have some data on different attack methods.

Balloons will wait until you’re alone and vulnerable to attack. Always move in groups.

Balloon Attack Strategies and Their Rated Effective

• Psychological Warfare (effectiveness rating 0): You may think you’ll simply insult the balloon or maybe hit it with a psychic attack (if you’re the Pokémon Kadabra). These attacks are completely ineffective. Balloons were specifically designed to be immune to all attempts at psychological warfare. They also feel no fear.

• Pepper Spray (effectiveness rating 0): Somehow, the balloon has been hardened against all forms of chemical warfare. This means a can of pepper spray can’t even slow it down.

• Biological Attack (effectiveness rating 0): All knowns bacteria and viruses are of no effect against balloons. So if you somehow have a vial of weaponized smallpox on you, don’t even bother to try it.

• Punching (effectiveness rating 1): Balloons can appear weak, and one may think a strong punch would be enough to faze it, but you would be incorrect. If you punch a balloon, it will simply be propelled away unharmed or, if tethered, come back at you with the same force you hit it. It’s is highly recommended never to punch a balloon (even though there has been some promising results if you’re wearing a ring).

Many of America’s other sworn enemies than China also have balloons, such as Dobby, the house elf.

• Roundhouse Kick (effectiveness rating 1): Also known as the “Chuck Norris Hello,” this attack, while very effective against drug dealers and violent bikers, is also of almost no effectiveness against a balloon. Once again, balloons have somehow been designed to absorb this attack with no damage.

• Electrocution (effectiveness rating 1): Most balloons are made out of some sort of unknown material that makes them effectively immune to electrical attacks. This means everything from the taser to the lightning gun from Quake are practically useless.

• Baseball Bat (effectiveness rating 1): Baseball bats are extremely effective against zombies, so they have to work against balloons, right? Wrong. Once again, the balloon was somehow made with a baseball bat immunity. Whether the bat is wooden or metal, the balloon will take no damage. Balloons have not been tested against cricket bats, though, because it would just be silly for an American to own one.

Clowns sometimes guard balloons. Clowns are vulnerable to holy water and shotguns.

• Rocks (effectiveness rating 2): Rocks, for the most part, seem to just bounce off of balloons, though some rocks have been effective in doing damage. It is unknown what rocks can damage a balloon, though, and whether it has to do with specific mineral composition. Balloons seem to know they have some weakness to rocks, though, which is why they fly so high. The Chinese spy balloon was many miles up in the air where there are no rocks.

• Nuclear Attack (effectiveness rating 3): This last-ditch resort isn’t particularly effective. While a nuclear blast can take care of balloons low to the ground, balloons high up in the air will simply float above the mushroom cloud. It’s better to save your nuclear warheads for the moon.

• Pin (effectiveness rating 10): This seems to be a balloon’s one known weakness. The pin, when applied to a balloon, seems to use its pressurized air against the balloon, causing rapid deconstruction of it. The only problem is getting a pin to a balloon such as the Chinese spy balloon that floats miles above the ground. For that, we may need to specially train astronauts and give them special pins made suitable for use in space-like conditions. I can do this training for the U.S. Space Force. My fee is one million dollars.

NOTE: When a balloon is destroyed, it will spend its final moment with a retaliatory sonic attack. This attack can cause severe startling.