How to Fix Star Wars

Is there a way to go back to the glory days of the original trilogy?

The original Star Wars trilogy is perhaps the greatest movie trilogy of all time. All that’s come afterward, though, has simply tarnished the name of Star Wars. Even Disney must have recognized this, not having released a new Star Wars movie in five years, canceling most of the proposed ones.

Can we get Star Wars back on track? I believe we can, and here’s how:

How to Fix Star Wars

• Go back to the source. Everyone keeps talking about recreating the feeling of the original movies, but you can’t use the original movies as your influence. You have to look at what influenced them, such as 50s serials — just solid, good versus evil, action-adventure storytelling.

• Delete from canon everything after the original trilogy. The prequels are where Star Wars starts to lose its way, and everything after just puts it down the wrong path. It has to be scrapped, and we need to start over.

• Restore the original versions of the original trilogy. Of course, all the later influence was inflicted back on the original trilogy, along with a bunch of dumb stuff that doesn’t even make sense (Greedo shooting first, the new Jabba scene where he’s smaller and a pushover for some reason, the Return of the Jedi music number). We have to get those movies back to how they originally were when people fell in love with them.

• What do you mean the originals are lost? The Yub Nub song is gone forever? You’re saying George Lucas got rid of the originals because he thought the new stuff was so great? If we can’t even have the original movies as they once were, maybe there is no fixing this. Maybe Star Wars is ruined forever.

• No, there is a way, but it won’t be easy. I’ve been doing some experiments on exotic matter. I think time travel is possible. And it better be, as it’s the only way to fix Star Wars.

• The device is ready. Here we go. We’re going to travel through time and put things right that once went wrong. Namely, Star Wars.

• On second thought, this seems kind of shallow. I mean, with the power of time travel, I’m just going to fix Star Wars? There are a lot of other problems.

• Let’s just kill Hitler first. Then, having used time travel for something of huge importance, then we’ll go fix Star Wars with a clear conscience.