How to Improve Relations with China

Simple steps to make a friend out of a foe

There’s a lot going on in the world today with Russia and us bombing the Middle East (as usual), but our biggest threat is still probably China. So, how can Trump improve our relations with that country and make a friend out of a foe?

Here are some simple tips.

How to Improve Relations with China

• Make sure you know where China is. This is an important one. You may think you’re doing great and the Chinese weren’t as bad as you thought but then you find out the whole time you were in Korea.

• Find out what they want. Now, to improve relations, we first need to understand what it is the Chinese want. So, you need to sit and listen. Wait, what is that gibberish they’re speaking?

• Learn Chinese. I guess another step in finding out what China wants is making sure you understand the language they speak. So learn Chinese. Or turn on ChatGPT.

• Oh, no: It’s all trade issues. So it ends up what they want is really boring trade issue stuff. You’re going to have to try and listen anyway and really pay attention.

• Stop singing Chairman Mao’s name to the tune of the Meow Mix song. I know you’re bored, and it is kind of funny, but it seems to be offending them and also shows you’re not listening to their boring trade deal talk.

• Try to change the topic from what’s under your coat. Oh. Great. They spotted something moving under your coat. Announce you’re ending tariffs or whatever — just change the subject. I know when you were waiting for the meeting and walking through the forest, it was hard to resist grabbing that baby panda you saw, but you really shouldn’t have done that and shoved it under your coat.

• Maybe just give back the baby panda instead of running away while they throw ancient Chinese spears at you. Man, they really don’t like it when people take their pandas, and now they’re throwing special Chinese spears at you that are probably poisoned or something. Stop running and just give back the panda!

• Head for the border! I guess you’re not giving the panda back; that means you need to run for the border as quickly as you can and get out of here.

• Okay, it’s a pretty big country. Yeah, I’m not sure how long until we reach a border of China. Which direction are we even going?

• Bhutan? Okay, I guess we reached another country, but apparently it’s Bhutan. Is that right? Have you heard of that country? Do you speak Bhutanese? Well, let American dollars do the talking and find a hotel room or something. You can finally let that baby panda out of your coat.

• Look at the baby panda! See him nibble that bamboo — he’s so adorable! I guess we ruined relations with China forever, but there are more important things in life... like making YouTube videos of this baby panda that are sure to go viral.