How to Own the Libs

Having trouble owning the libs? Here's the guide for you!

Owning the libs is the main purpose of being a conservative — perhaps the only purpose. But how do you go about owning the libs? It’s simple! Just follow these steps:

• Disagree. The simplest and easiest way to own a lib is to disagree to his face. They hate that. Just walk right up to a lib — a little past his personal space, and say, “Your politics are dumb and wrong!” He’ll cry and screech and say, “No! My politics are good and right! You can’t say that!” But you can! Owned!

• Say Merry Christmas. Libs don’t like you saying, “Merry Christmas!” and want you to say, “Happy Holidays!” instead since it’s more multicultural. So get up right in their faces and go, “Merry Christmas!” They’ll cry and screech and might say something like, “It’s nowhere near Christmas!” Shut up, lib!

• Own guns. Libs hate freedom and people being able to defend themselves, so owning lots of guns and showing off your guns is a great way to own the libs. “No! Guns are loud, dangerous, and have carbon emissions!” they’ll shriek as you run around with an AR-15 in each hand.

• Spray paint their houses. Another thing libs hate is when you spray paint messages on their houses. And you can spray paint a message they really hate, like, “Merry Christmas!” They’ll whine and cry and say things like, “You can’t do that! I’m calling the cops!” Just show them your AR-15s again.

• Break into their houses. It’s best to do this one when they’re not around. But, who knows, they may have something valuable in there. Maybe libs horde gold; who knows how libs think? And I bet it would really own them to steal all their lib gold!

• Find a hidden book. Okay, there was no gold. But there was this locked chest I got open with a crowbar. In it was some dusty old, leather-bound book. I think it’s leather. The material is weird to the touch. And there is a note next to the book in all capitals: “DO NOT READ FROM THIS BOOK!”

• Read from the book. Well, if a lib doesn’t want me to read from the book, it would really own him to do so! Oh, how he’ll screech and cry when he’s found I read from his forbidden book! At the beginning of the book are some words in some strange language — not Latin. Some other weird dead language. I’ll do my best to pronounce it out loud…

• Run! What’s happening? Everything went dark. And then there was a voice in the darkness. “You have freed me.” And then I saw two glowing eyes and heard a laugh that made my skin crawl. At first, I froze, but then I realized I had to get out of there. I had to run!

• Realize you can’t hide. I ran from the house, but it’s so dark outside now. No stars in the sky. The street lights seem to be losing their battle in the engulfing darkness. I knew libs were bad, but I didn’t think they were working with literal demons! And he’s out there now, after me. No matter where I go, I can hear his laugh, and then I turn to see his eyes. “There is only darkness now,” he says. And I run again, but he’s just toying with me. He can strike at any moment.