How Trump Can Win

Great tips to help the Republicans win this election

Trump was cruising to win when Biden was the opponent, but now the Democrats are energized and winning will take more strategy. Don’t worry, though; I have some great tips on how Trump and the Republicans can easily win this:

• Stick to popular issues. Remember: You’re selling what you have to the general public and not just politically active Republicans. Keep focused on only the issues that matter most to the American people, like the economy.

• Keep the message simple. You want a message that doesn’t take a lot of explaining. Like how the Democrats messed up inflation and immigration and you’ll fix it. Simple.

• Don’t give in to distractions. There are lots of little battles you can get in on — like Kamala Harris’s racial identity — but most of them the American public don’t care about. Stick to the big things that affect people’s pocketbooks.

• Pay attention to what your opponent is doing. And make sure to adjust based on what the Democrats’ message is. You need to counter that. If you can, try to anticipate their attacks ahead of time.

• Maybe break into their campaign office after hours. A great way to anticipate what the Democrats are going to do is to break into their campaign office and find their plans. Yeah, I know this didn’t work out great for Nixon, but we’ll be smarter about it.

• What’s this secret document? Huh. There was a hidden safe that the safecracker we brought along was barely able to open it. This document must be important… wait why is it in some strange script I’ve never seen before — I have no idea what language this is. And what are these pictures? Is that Kamala Harris pulling off a rubber mask and revealing a scaly face beneath?

• Oh no! The Democratic Party is run by aliens! This is the proof they aren’t human at all. No wonder they’re so confused by human gender; they’re weird lizard people from space. But what are they doing here and why are they trying to win elections? Huh. There’s a book in the safe; maybe that will have some answers.

• What’s this book “To Serve Man” about? I mean, that title could mean a number of different things. No, wait, there’s a subtitle beneath it: “A cookbook on how to cook and prepare humans so we can eat them.” That’s pretty clear.

• We have to warn the public! The Democratic Party are space aliens who want to take over and eat us all! They have to be stopped! I’ll let everyone know through the public square: X (formerly known as Twitter).

• My tweet only got like 37 views. Well, that didn’t work. Do I need to do a meme to get more views? Blame the Jews? I have to find another way to get the word out.

• I need to bring this to the attention of Trump. Luckily, Trump and I are buddies since we once went to the same dojo to study aikido. I’ll call him up and give him all the info. He seems to understand the gravity of the situation and will tell everyone.

• All Trump is saying is, “Kamala Harris isn’t black”! I mean, technically that is true — she’s not a black woman as she is a lizard space alien. But that’s kind of burying the lede. People seem confused by this.

• Fine. I’m paying for YouTube ads. All social media now makes sure the only way to get things out is to pay for it. I’ll put some money in ad spending to keep us all from being eaten, but I’m not going to like it.

• It’s working! People are turning against the Democrats! The word is getting out, and they’re cratering in the polls. Ends up “not being eaten” is an even bigger issue than inflation. Trump might sweep every state (but probably still not get those three electoral votes from D.C.).

• Wait, people are asking about where we got this information. Well, I might as well come clean since I saved the world. Yeah, I got the information by breaking in the Democrats’ headquarters. No, Trump didn’t know I was going to do that. Well, I did tell him after the fact. No, I guess he kept all that to himself.

• Now Trump has to resign like Nixon. And the Democrats win automatically! They’re not even trying to hide now how much they want to eat us. Well, this is why you don’t do break-ins on your rivals headquarters. Lesson learned (again).

What tips do you have for Trump and the Republicans?