Italian Election Explainer

The eight things you need to know about Italy

So a lot of people have been talking about the Italian election and the consequences of its outcome. To understand the election, though, you first need to know about Italy — specifically eight different things:

The first thing to know about Italy is it’s in Europe… but not the good part of Europe. Like the sketchy part of Europe.

The second thing to know about Italy is that Italians are white enough that you won’t get accused of racism for making fun of them. That’s great because the rest of this post is premised on that.

The third thing to know about Italy is that it is shaped like a boot.

All the mafia came out of Sicily because they got tired of getting kicked around.

The fourth thing to know is that they are very sensitive about being shaped like a boot. “We are more than a boot!” Italians will say, but it’s not really true. 80% of Italian heritage is the country’s boot-shapedness.

The fifth thing to know about Italy is that Italians move their hands around a lot when they talk and about 75% of everything they say is embedded in this hand movement. They don’t even put political debates on the radio because they wouldn’t make any sense to Italians unless they can see the hands flying around.

The sixth thing to know about Italy is that its main export is stock bad guys in the form of mobsters. They used to dominate that market, but they’ve lost a lot of ground to their main competitor of Russia, who now dominates the stock bad guy market with Russian mobsters.

The seventh thing to know about Italy is that the proudest part of their heritage is how they’re all plumbers who throw fireballs at turtles. “Let’s a-go!” they shout as they head out for a day of jumping down pipes and setting turtles on fire.

The eighth thing to know is that there has been a lot of resentment toward immigrants who don’t respect the Italian tradition of throwing fireballs at turtles. “Hey, that’s animal cruelty,” say these no-good immigrants who just don’t understand the proud cultural tradition. This has caused a lot of problems and has affected election results.

So, now that you know these eight things about Italy, what do you need to know about the Italian elections? Absolutely nothing. You see, Italy is very far away, and what happens there does not affect us here in the U.S.

I hope this was informative.