My Pick for Trump's Vice President

I've got the perfect running mate -- one who can do no wrong

So, the two nominees for President are Trump and Biden — and no one seems to be doing anything about it. Since Biden is already stuck with Kamala Harris, the only question is who should be Trump’s pick for running mate.

Well, I have the perfect pick. One who can’t go wrong.

The Constitution!

Don’t be scared. He can’t hurt you (I think).

Okay, he’s kind of a wee bit horrific, but let me walk you through my thinking: Who better to lead the nation than the Constitution itself? So, what I did was go to the National Archive and steal the Constitution — and stealing from there was way easier than Nicholas Cage made it look. I just gave their security system a computer virus and threw a bunch of smoke bombs.

Now that I had the Constitution, I just had to cut it up and put it in the form of a man and then use dark magic to bring it to life. Why dark magic? Well, light magic is way complicated, and dark magic is super simple (just needs some blood). Also, light magic can’t bring inanimate objects to life as that is considered an “abomination.”

So now the Constitution is alive!

And yeah, he won’t stop screaming. Probably because politicians won’t stop violating the Constitution. Or maybe because I didn’t really know what I was doing and his existence is constant pain. I think he wants to kill everyone — I mean he attacks everything that moves. But he’s paper, so he can’t really do much.

Okay, this was a terrible idea. One of my worst. You see, I never really got the whole Trump thing, but still, I wanted to help the Republican Party. I guess I’m a bit rattled, and this was the best idea I had. But it’s a nightmare. He’s just screaming and attacking things. I think I need to destroy him. Fire would probably work, but it seems so wrong burning the Constitution. Then again, it also seems wrong cutting it up and turning it into a mockery of both God and man.

Okay, I’m just going to use one of those wand lighters and see if he lights up because I don’t have any accelerant or anything. As for VP, does DeSantis want the job? Probably not.