Not Fantastic

The Fantastic Four are having a crisis

Reed Richards sat in his Baxter Building research lab, looking through a microscope. The Thing plodded into the room. “Any word on our next mission? I’m ready to clobber something!” he said.

Reed shook his head. “No, no word yet.”

Johnny Storm ran into the room. “Hey, I’m getting bored. It’s time to get in the Fantasti-Car and fight evil!”

“We just have to wait for word on something where our abilities are needed,” Reed said. “Then you, Ben, Sue, and I will be off to our next adventure.”

“Okay,” Johnny uttered, “I just really want to yell, ‘Flame on!’ and burst into flame. It’s so cool every time I do that.”

“Sure it is, buddy,” Reed said as he returned to looking through the microscope.

“It has been months since we’ve been given anything to do,” the Thing stated. “I wonder if something is wrong that no one has come up with a mission for us.”

Reed kept looking through the microscope. “We’ve just done such a good job that there’s nothing else to do right now, I guess.”

“What are you looking at, by the way?” Johnny asked.

“An amoeba,” Reed said.

“Why?” the Thing asked.

Reed slouched, his whole body slinking to the ground. “I’m bored.”

“Maybe we should see if General Thunderbolt Ross has anything for us to do,” the Thing suggested.

“Yeah, maybe something happened to him,” Johnny said, “and that’s why we haven’t heard from him. We should check it out!”

Reed jumped to his feet. “Fantastic Four the to the Fantasti-Car!”

---

The Fantasti-Car landed at Gamma Base, and the Fantastic Four headed for General Ross’s office. General Ross looked up from his desk and sighed. “What do you guys want?”

“We hadn’t heard from you in a while, and we were getting worried,” Reed explained.

“We just didn’t have any jobs for you,” Ross said. He then spotted Johnny looking at some papers on the desk. “Please don’t touch anything!”

“There has to be some wars or something where someone needs a clobberin’!” the Thing stated.

“Yes, but we have cruise missiles for clobbering people,” Ross said.

“There must be something you can use our special abilities for,” Reed replied.

“If something comes up where we need someone who is really stretchy, we’ll give you a call,” Ross said.

“And don’t forget about my flame abilities!” Johnny declared.

“I certainly don’t,” Ross said. “Which is why I’d really like you to stay away from anything flammable in my office.”

“But I’m very good at controlling my fire,” Johnny answered. “Flame on!” He lit up into the Human Torch.

“You just burnt up my Post-It Notes!” Ross yelled.

“Whoops,” Johnny uttered as he went back to normal. “Still, think of what I can do to the enemy or their Post-It Notes.”

“There’s a reason we don’t use flamethrowers anymore in the military,” Ross said. “So, pass.”

“Wait, are you not even looking for work for us?” the Thing asked.

Ross took a deep breath. “Let me be frank with you guys: We never actually have a situation where we need a stretchy dude, a rock monster, or some guy who catches fire. All our military equipment is way better than anything you can do. The only reason we gave you missions in the past was we felt sorry for how that cosmic radiation turned you into weirdoes.”

“Hey, we can do a lot,” Reed said. “And don’t forget Sue.” He motioned to a seemingly empty space near him. “Her invisibility is something your military hardware can’t replicate.”

“That is true,” Ross said. “That’s why she’s currently employed by the CIA and is working a mission overseas.”

Reed shook his head. “No, she’s right here.” He motioned again to the empty space. “She’s just invisible... and very quiet.”

Johnny and the Thing looked at Reed sadly. “One of these days, you’re going to have to face up to the fact she left you,” Johnny said.

Tears started coming down Reed’s face. “No, you can’t prove that! She could be here right now and is just invisible!”

“She broke your heart,” the Thing said.

“My heart can’t break!” yelled Reed, his face soaked in tears. “It’s too stretchy!”

Ross sighed and told Johnny, “Why don’t I see if I can hook you guys up with the local fire department, and maybe they can have Reed use his stretch powers to rescue cats from a tree or something.”

“Yeah, that would be great,” Johnny replied.

“Just try not to freak everyone out with how weird you guys are.”

The Thing threw his hands in the air. “No guarantees!”