Roadmap for a Perfect Government

What would the ideal government look like?

I often criticize government. Probably every day. But people are like, “Well, Mr. Frank, how do you think the government should be run?”

Well, I’m glad you asked. Because I have the roadmap for the perfect government.

First of all, we get rid of Washington D.C. All the federal government buildings will be blown up — especially the IRS. Everyone who worked there will be deported. I don’t care where; somewhere overseas.

The capital will instead be moved to somewhere in the middle of the country. But it won’t have a ton of bureaucrats. There will instead just be one man — the ruler of the federal government — an old man who lives in a cave and wears a pointy-red hat.

Now, that cave is nowhere near civilization. It will be extremely remote and a long trek for anyone seeking it. But for anyone who dares to hike deep into the mountains and climb there way to the cave, they will find the old man in the red hat sitting peacefully in the cave. And they will say something like, “Old man in the red hat, I seek subsidies for corn.”

And the old man in the red hat will say, “I’m sorry, but I am just an old man. I have nothing more than this red hat. I have no money for subsidies.”

“So I have wasted my time coming here?”

“I’m afraid you have.”

And the person will leave and be angry and write bad reviews for the old man in the red hat on Yelp! and he will say, “Don’t bother with the old man; he can’t help you.”

But other people will say, “Don’t listen to them! They’re trying to keep the subsidies for themselves! If you want help from the federal government, seek out the old man in the red hat!”

And thus people will continue to seek out the old man in the red hat to ask for things, and they will continue to be disappointed. And all those people saying the old man in the red hat will help you? Those were me using ghost accounts. Because I now actually control the federal government and have all its money, but I don’t want anyone bothering me because I’m not going to help them. That’s why I hired the old man and bought him that red hat. People will bother him while I sit elsewhere, spending nothing and playing video games. And we will have prosperity for many, many years.

And that is the perfect government.