Samurai Guide (Illustrated)

Do you want to be a samurai? I'll tell you how!

Everyone wants to be a samurai, but not everyone knows how. Here’s a step-by-step guide.

How to Be a Samurai

Step 1: Get a kantana.

A katana is the sine qua non¹ of a samurai. Without a katana, you’re just some guy in pajamas and a man bun — not a samurai. Also, the katana is definitely the coolest sword there is — even cooler than a Zweihänder.

Step 2: Work on your honor.

After owning a katana, the next most essential thing to being a samurai is honor. You can read the Hagakure to learn all about samurai honor. Then you need to practice being honorable. In the least, just stand around not doing anything dishonorable.

Step 3: Eat rice balls.

You also need lots of energy to be a samurai, and you get that from tasty rice balls. Eat them up and get ready to samurai!

Step 4: Fight a ninja clan,

Now, that you’re all prepped on being a samurai, it’s time for your final challenge: fighting ninjas. Where do you find ninjas? They’re either on rooftops or deep in a forest, so look for them there. And when you find them, get ready to battle! Just watch out for— Ow! Those kicks and punches hurt!

Step 5: Get scary armor.

Oh, we missed a step. Before fighting the ninjas, you need armor! Then their kicks and punches will bounce right off of you! Also, traditional samurai armor has a scary mask. Those ninjas will be too scared to punch and kick you in the first place.

Step 6: Stop laughing at me!

This armor isn’t funny! It’s traditional samurai armor and very expensive! Stop making fun of it, you stupid, mean ninjas!

Step 7: Head to a shrine on top of a tall peak.

I’m going to teach those ninjas a lesson! I heard of an ancient sword technique that is in a shrine high atop a treacherous peak. I’ll learn that and wipe those smirks right off the faces of those ninjas. I just need to climb up there… which is kind of hard in the armor.