Should We Blow Up the Ayatollah?

An important question

Iran is evil. It has been evil for some time ever since seeing the weakness of Jimmy Carter and going, “Here’s our opportunity to be evil and no one can stop us!”

Many have thought that one day we’d have to have a war with Iran because of all of their evil, but so far we haven’t had a full war with them and have just blown up their nuclear facilities (with the help of our cool friends in the region, Israel).

But Iran continues to be extra evil, now slaughtering thousands of their own people for just wanting the Iranian government to be a bit less evil.

So that brings us to the big question: Should we blow up the Ayatollah?

Now, for those who don’t know, the Ayatollah is the main religious leader of Iran, and since their religion is pretty terrible, he is the main source of all their evil.

So, being the main source of evil, blowing him up should make the country less evil (fewer evil? no, I think this time I used less right).

And how would we blow him up? Probably a cruise missile. What I gather from the name is that a cruise missile is a missile that “cruises” through the air. I’m not sure how this makes it different from other missiles, but my understanding is that we can make the cruise missile go to a precise location, such as where the Ayatollah is making dumb and bad religious proclamations.

There are some objections to this, though. For one, won’t blowing up the religious leader of Iran be considered an act of war? To that, all I can say is, “Who knows?” I mean, how can we know what goes through the minds of people over there? The fact that they got someone like Ayatollah leading them says they’re not thinking straight. Also, when we blew up their nuclear facilities, they seemed fine with that. So maybe they’re more chill than we think.

The other objection is won’t they just appoint another Ayatollah who is just as bad as the first one? That is possible, but then we can just launch another cruise missile. We have a whole bunch of them. Maybe after enough Ayatollah’s explode, they’ll be like, “Eh. Not worth it.”

A final objection is if we start blowing up evil leaders in one country, won’t we be expected to blow up all the evil leaders in the world? You may be right. There are something like 200 countries in the world, and a cruise missile costs like one million dollars. So if thing go really wrong and we have to blow up all the world leaders because they all suck, that’s like $200 million dollars. We can afford that, but it’s not nothing.

Still, if the worst case scenario is we’ll be out $200 million if blowing up the Ayatollah gets out of hand, I think we should try it. He’s evil and he’d be a lot less evil exploded. It’s a simple moral equation, and it’s time America got back to basics.