Step by Step Guide to Being an Alpha Male

Discard your beta ways with this simple guide

Woke society these days wants every male to be a beta male so they can push them around, tell them what to do, and maybe inject them with estrogen. It’s time to say no to that and reclaim your status as an alpha male whose manly maleness will cause the woke to weep and gnash their teeth. And you can be an alpha male by following these twelve easy steps.

12 Steps to Being an Alpha Male

Step 1: Be male.

If you're the variety of the species that produces ova, then you're already going about this all wrong.

Step 2: Find another male to assert your dominance over.

You can't be an alpha male all by yourself sitting alone in your room eating Cheetos, so find another male to display your dominance to. And it has to be a male; females don't care about your dominance — they're too busy producing ova.

Step 3: Say to his face, "I'm the dominant one!"

There are lots of ways to assert dominance, but being an alpha male, you're going to go for the most direct approach, which is just to say it.

Step 4: Don't explain yourself.

The guy is probably confused and asking why you just said that, but being an alpha male, you don't need to explain yourself. Just say, "You heard me!"

Step 5: Bob and weave.

Okay, we underestimated this guy. He didn’t just stand there and be dominated; instead, he went for punching you in the face. Better dodge that.

Step 6: Don’t cry.

You weren’t fast enough, and he popped you right in the nose, and it really smarts. The important thing now is not to cry — no matter how much it hurts — because it really isn’t alpha to bawl your eyes out.

Step 7: Run!

Oh no! He’s not done! He’s coming for you again! I’d just run. Maybe that’s not the most alpha move, but if you run faster than him, that’s kind of alpha.

Step 8: Escape that car trunk.

So you weren’t faster than him, and he clonked you with a tire iron, and now you’ve woken up in the trunk of a moving car. You definitely have to get out of there, as you can’t be an alpha male locked in the trunk of a car.

Step 9: Just jump.

You jimmied open the trunk of the car with the wire from your retainer you happened to have in your pocket, but the car is still moving. You can’t wait, though; whoever threw you in the trunk of a car is probably a psychopath, and you need to get away. That means jumping out of the car while it’s still moving. And who jumps out of moving cars? Alpha males. Also, people who don’t want to get murdered by psychopaths. You should be both.

Step 10: Go ahead and rest a second.

That really hurt when you hit the road and rolled down that hill. At least you came to a stop in something soft (I think a bog). You can take a moment to recover here; even alpha males need rest.

Step 11: Again, don’t cry.

So, you’re bruised, covered in bog muck, cold, and have no idea where you are. The temptation is to cry, but you can’t; an alpha male would not do that. Then again, no one is around. You have a good cry.

Step 12: Drink your hot cocoa and try again tomorrow.

So a park ranger heard your pathetic crying, and he took you back to his office and gave you hot cocoa. He says your mom is on the way to pick you up, so you might as well enjoy the cocoa. Yeah, it’s not the most alpha male drink, but I think we’re just going to have to put off being alpha male until tomorrow. Being an alpha male is an iterative process; it’s going to take a few tries and adjustments based on failures. So we’ll start smaller tomorrow — maybe boss around some small children. And wear sneakers this time in case you need to run again.