Superman's Dark Secret

Everyone thinks Superman is a hero, but there's something he's hidden from the public...

It was a beautiful sunny day in Metropolis as a large crowd watched Lex Luthor stand before a ribbon holding a giant pair of ceremonial scissors. “And now we officially open this technology museum,” Luthor announced. “A celebration of what mankind can achieve.”

Luthor cut the ribbon, and the crowd applauded. Luthor basked in the adoration, but then he saw something moving in the sky. It was bigger than a bird but smaller than a plane. And as it neared, he could not mistake the red and blue of his archnemesis, Superman.

“I wouldn’t celebrate so quickly,” announced Superman.

“Oh, if it isn’t everyone’s favorite space alien,” Luthor said with a fake smile. “I guess I forgot to invite you... but then again, this museum is all about what humans can accomplish.”

“Then I don’t know what you’re doing here, Luthor, because I’m not sure you have any humanity left in you,” Superman said sternly. “I know you’re responsible for that robot attack downtown yesterday.”

Luthor scoffed. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t act coy. I can prove your involvement.” Superman moved closer so only Luthor could hear him. “You thought you wiped all the evidence, but you forgot about the cameras on your new self-driving car.”

Luthor's smile disappeared for only a moment — a fraction of a second that only Superman could perceive — but the smug smile returned in force. “Perhaps you should hold onto that ‘evidence,’” Luthor whispered, “or I’ll release a little something I found out about you: Your deepest, darkest secret.”

Superman furrowed his brow. “What are you talking about?”

“The one thing you hide from everyone,” Luthor continued, his smile widening. “You like to think yourself a hero, but I know that deep down you really are a soulless monster... because I know who you truly are.” And then Luthor whispered so quietly that only Superman’s super hearing could pick it up, “You’re a journalist.”

Superman couldn’t hide his shock as he backed away.

“What are you guys talking about?” asked someone in the crowd. Superman had forgotten about all the people there for the museum opening.

“Nothing,” Superman told the crowd. “Lex Luthor is once again just lying about things. Ignore what he tells you. It’s misinformation.”

“It’s Superman who has been lying to you!” Luthor announced. “Oh, sure, by day, he stops the occasional asteroid headed to Earth, but during his free time, he goes by another name: Clark Kent.”

There was a murmuring from the crowd. “The reporter from the Daily Planet?” one man asked angrily.

“He said people who didn’t get the COVID vaccine shouldn’t get medical care!” shouted a woman.

“Hey, we were all learning and adjusting to COVID at the time,” Superman pleaded.

“He keeps going after people based on old things they put on Twitter!” yelled another man.

“It’s called X now,” Superman corrected him.

The crowd began booing Superman while Luthor beamed. “You’re not even human!” yelled another person.

“I am an alien,” Superman admitted, “but...”

“I’m not talking about that,” the man continued. “I can look past that. But a journalist? How can you be so evil and cruel?”

“It’s a very important job,” Superman lectured them. “Maybe even more important than me saving people from burning buildings. In fact— Ow!” A green rock hit Superman, and it really hurt!

“Oh, I’m now passing out kryptonite rocks in case people want to throw things at you,” Luthor explained.

The whole crowd then started throwing rocks at Superman. “Ow! My one weakness!” Superman shouted. “Stop that! Come on, people! I’m still Superman! I fight for truth, justice, and the American way!”

“What?!” exclaimed an angry voice. It was Superman’s boss at the Daily Planet, Perry White. “You’re Clark Kent, but you’re a crazed right-winger who likes the American way? And I know these days, fighting for ‘truth’ is just code for being anti-trans. You’re fired, Clark Kent!”

“Aw...” Superman moaned as he slumped his shoulders. Everyone had at least stopped pelting him with rocks since he was no longer a journalist. “What do I do now?”

“You could use the time you did yellow journalism to instead save even more people,” suggested one of the crowd.

Superman shook his head. “I think I’ll start a podcast. Anyone have room to listen to another podcast?”