Tariffs FAQ

Do you have questions about magical, wonderful tariffs? I answer them!

Q. What is a tariff?

A. A tariff is a glorious, magical thing that protects American businesses and helps us prosper.

Q. How does it work?

A. When other countries try to import goods, we put an extra charge on those goods so people will prefer American-made products.

Q. So it’s a tax?

A. No, it’s a charge on imports that is paid to the government.

Q. That’s a tax. You’re taxing us!

A. No, I’m not. I’m taxing the other countries. They’re paying it. Not you.

Q. But if they’re paying a tax, they’re going to raise the prices, so we are paying it.

A. No, because now American businesses will be able to compete and make cheaper goods locally.

Q. And how long will that take?

A. *uncertain noises*

Q. I don’t like this tax plan. No one has ever taxed themselves into prosperity.

A. It’s not a tax. Tariffs are a fun cool thing. Look how the threat of tariffs already got concessions from Canada and Mexico.

Q. Doesn’t that imply tariffs are a bad thing?

A. Sorry, I don’t follow.

Q. Well, you threatened them with it, and then didn’t do it when they gave into the threat. If tariffs are just a good thing, you wouldn’t use them as threats, you’d just implement them.

A. Well, other countries don’t like tariffs.

Q. Of course they don’t! Because they’re a tax!

A. But we have to sometimes because they put tariffs on us.

Q. Which we don’t like because it’s a tax and makes things more expensive.

A. But we have to worry about having a trade deficit.

Q. What’s a trade deficit?

A. That’s where other countries import more goods to us than we export goods to them.

Q. So you’re saying we get more actual valuable products from some countries and don’t have to give them any actual merchandise in exchange and that’s a problem?

A. They’re getting our money!

Q. But that’s just something we made up. It’s not even real. A dollar is a fictional concept that’s only as valuable as people perceive it to be. Actual goods in exchange for a fictional concept sounds like we’re winning.

A. No, importing more goods than we’re exporting means they’re winning. And they were only able to do that by putting tariffs on our exports, which is why we need to do tariffs back.

Q. Can’t we just enjoy cheap goods and not care that other countries are being idiots and taxing their own people to make things more expensive for them?

A. No! That would collapse the economy because all those cheap goods would destroy American industry. We need to have tariffs and get those industries back.

Q. So they’re taxing their own people, so we need to tax our people? This feels like you’re watching someone punch himself in the groin and going, “Oh, I better do that too!”

A. It’s not a tax and it’s not punching ourselves in the groin. Tariffs are a good thing to help our economy and a tool to get countries to obey us.

Q. Because we threaten countries with them because they’re bad.

A. No… it’s like a gun. A gun is good. And it’s fun to shoot a gun. It’s just not fun to get shot.

Q. It feels more like a pipe bomb set off between two countries that hurts them both.

A. No… that’s not… shut up. This is an FAQ. Why don’t you ask some normal questions… like about the history of the tariffs or something?

Q. Is that really a frequently asked question? Who cares?

A. No, it’s good data. I’m going to pretend you just asked me what was the first tariff in the U.S.

The first tariff in U.S. history was the Tariff of 1789, enacted by Congress under President George Washington. Designed primarily to generate revenue for the federal government and to help pay off war debts, it also aimed to protect fledgling American industries from foreign competition. The law imposed duties on imported goods, with rates generally ranging from 5% to 15%. While widely supported as a necessary measure for economic stability, it also marked the beginning of debates over trade policy that would continue throughout American history.

Q. It sounds like you just copied that from ChatGPT.

A. No… that’s… um…

Q. Actually, why am I even participating in an FAQ with a human now? If I want to know anything, I’ll just ask ChatGPT. Bye; going to consult AI now.

A. No! You can’t trust it! And don’t believe it if it tells you a tariff is a tax!