The Cobra Quagmire
Codename: Calculator has some tough news for G.I. Joe
“We have new orders,” Duke announced to his G.I. Joe special forces team who had assembled in their mission briefing room.
“Great, I’m ready to take on Cobra again!” Roadblock exclaimed.
Snake Eyes nodded silently.
“Well, I’m afraid we’re not going to be fighting Cobra anytime soon,” Duke said solemnly.
“What are you talking about?” demanded Gung-Ho. “Fighting Cobra is why we’re here!”
“Yes, but the higher-ups are not liking our results so far,” Duke said.
“Oh, they don’t like how we stop Cobra every time?” Shipwreck cracked. “They’d rather them win now and then?”
“We stop Cobra Commander every week,” Scarlett said. “What more do they want from us?”
“Yes, they’re well aware of how much we fight and stop Cobra,” Duke told them. “Because we have been doing it every week... for years. With no end in sight. Congress is starting to call it a ‘quagmire.’”
“Those suits can keep their fancy words!” Roadblock exclaimed. “We’re saving lives!”
Snake Eyes nodded silently.
“I know,” Duke said. “But they just don’t understand how this conflict with Cobra is going on this long. We’re a military organization backed by the U.S. government, and they’re some terrorist organization backed by no government... and we’re not even sure where they get their funding. And yet, we’re fighting them in open warfare, and we can’t seem to end the threat. When G.I. Joe was formed to fight Cobra, they actually thought it would only take us a few days to wipe them out. Yet, as I’ve said, this conflict has been going on for years. And I think we’ve identified the problem.” Duke turned to a middle-aged man in a suit standing seated behind him. “This is our civilian accountant, codename Calculator.”
Calculator stood up. “Actually, you can just call me ‘Bob.’ I don’t really need a codename.”
“So, Calculator, you’ve identified what’s going wrong here?” Scarlett asked.
Calculator sighed. “Again, it’s Bob, and yes, I think I have. One just simply has to look at the stats.” He took some papers out of his briefcase. “First, let’s look at inventory. Over the course of its existence, G.I. Joe has fired approximately 2,158,732 bullets.”
“Is that a lot?” Roadblock asked.
“Answering that question is not really my department,” Calculator answered. “But I’m pretty sure this next number is low — it’s the number of confirmed kills against Cobra. That number is zero.”
“So what’s our kill ratio then?” Scarlett asked.
“I can’t calculate that,” Calculator said, “because I can’t divide by zero.”
“Hey, we’re constantly blowing their ships and tanks and all-terrain vehicles,” Gung-Ho stated.
“Yes, there are many confirmed destructions of Cobra equipment,” Calculator replied, “but from the expenditure of those over two million bullets, never once have you actually killed anyone in Cobra.”
“The higher-ups have identified this as the reason we’ve yet to eliminate the Cobra threat,” Duke explained. “With us never successfully killing anyone, the Cobra just keep coming back again and again and again. So, effective immediately, you are all off combat duty and will focus solely on improving your marksmanship.”
“So instead of fighting the bad guys,” Shipwreck cracked, “we’re just going to be shooting paper?”
“Given these stats,” Calculator stated, “I’d be surprised if any of you successfully hits the paper. But at least you know the problem now.”
“And knowing is half the battle!” Scarlett added.
Calculator shook his head. “As I’ve tried to tell you all multiple times, knowing is only 24% of the battle. Firearm accuracy is a much larger percentage of the battle than you give it credit.”
“And we’re going to keep at it until we’re the most accurate soldiers out there,” Duke announced. “Joes, hit the range!”
Cobra Commander laughed manically. “Soon, the world will kneel before my weather machine!”
“It’s a space laser,” Destro corrected him.
“I thought it was a weather machine.”
“Weather machine was last week.”
The alarms started sounding. “G.I. Joe must be attacking!” Cobra Commander announced. “Stop them! This I command!”
G.I. Joe, led by Duke, burst into his Command Center. Cobra Commander laughed. “You won’t stop me this time, Joes, because—”
They opened fire, shooting Cobra Commander multiple times.
“Ahhh! Bullets hurt!” Cobra Commander screamed as he collapsed to the floor. “Becoming a terrorist was a mistake! Why did I leave that used car dealership when it was so successful?”
Back in their Mobile Command Center, the Joes celebrated. “That’s it for Cobra,” Duke announced. “We killed them all.”
“I guess that time at the range paid off,” Gung Ho said.
Snake Eyes nodded silently.
“Yeah, don’t know why we hadn’t done that sooner,” Duke said.
Calculator walked into the room. “I’ve just heard from Congress that now the Cobra threat has been eliminated, all your funding has been pulled. G.I. Joe is officially disbanded.”
Duke hung his head. “D’oh.”
In the eighties GI Joe comic books, there was a story arc in which Cobra ran a multi-level-marketing soap company which turned its "associates" into brainwashed cultists who would do whatever they wanted *and* presumably made them billions of dollars for space lasers and stuff. I am not making this up.
That's...freaking genius, honestly.
Pah. They think that's a quagmire, just ask Optimus Prime. Millions of years of war, now THAT'S a quagmire.