The Dursleys

Harry Potter's aunt and uncle hate him, but who is that hurting more?

Harry Potter sat alone at the kitchen table reading after another long day of being screamed at by the Dursleys. Earlier, he had accidentally knocked over a glass of water which had sent Uncle Vernon into a twenty minute tirade that ended with him bellowing incoherently before storming out of the house. Aunt Petunia was now cleaning the kitchen while Dudley sat in the living room, watching TV and being extremely fat.

Harry let out a small cough which caused Aunt Petunia to scream, “Shut up, Harry Potter! I hate you so much!”

The front door burst open, and there stood Uncle Vernon, soaking wet and holding two boxes under his arm. He smiled when he saw Dudley. “Here, Dudley,” he said, handing over the boxes, “I bought two cakes just for you.”

Dudley immediately opened the cakes and started grabbing handfuls of frosting to shove in his mouth (he was very fat).

Uncle Vernon then turned to Harry and glowered. “As for you, I spend seven hours in the dark and rain driving around to find just the perfect stick to beat you with!” Uncle Vernon then held up a large stick.

Harry just sighed. “It really feels like if you hated me a little less, it would be a lot less work for you.”

“What, how dare you!” Uncle Vernon screamed as his face went purple. “You don’t even deserve a stick this good anymore!” He snapped the stick in two.

“Seriously, you put way too much effort into hating me,” Harry said. “I feel like you’re torturing yourself as much as me.”

“How ungrateful!” Aunt Petunia declared. “After we house and clothe him!”

“You just give me Dudley’s hand me downs,” Harry said. “And they don’t even fit.” Dudley was very fat.

“Well, that’s not going to happen anymore!” Uncle Vernon roared. He marched up stairs, and when he came back, he had all of Dudley’s clothes in his arms. He dumped them on the floor in the living room, poured lighter fluid on them, and set them of fire. “No more hand me downs for you!” Uncle Vernon laughed.

“My clothes!” Dudley yelled, taking a slight break from stuffing his face with cake on account of his fatness.

“Again,” Harry said, “I guess this affects me, but it just feels like you’re causing huge inconveniences for yourself just to annoy me.”

“How petulant!” Aunt Petunia cried.

“He’s a bad apple, that one,” Uncle Vernon stated. “He just won’t respect us. Even though we feed him out of our own generosity every day.”

“Feed me?” Harry scoffed. “There’s barely any left for me after Dudley scarfs it all down.”

“What?” asked Dudley fatly as he looked up from a cake.

“Doesn’t even appreciate us feeding him!” Uncle Vernon sputtered. “I’ll show him.” Vernon ran to the garage and came back with a sledgehammer. He then started smashing the refrigerator with it. “Now see if you get any food at all!”

“The food,” Dudley said meekly (he liked food on account of how fat he was).

“Just look at his expression,” Aunt Petunia laughed at Harry. “Look how upset he is. Maybe he’ll finally learn.”

“I’m just absolutely baffled,” Harry said. “Again, to try to punish me, it looks like you’re punishing yourselves just as much. You’d have a much better time if you just put less effort into hating me, but you can’t do that. It’s bizarre. I can barely even look at you.”

“Oh, you like looking at me, do you!” Uncle Vernon yelled.

“That’s the opposite of what I just said.”

“We’ll see if you can look at me when I… PUNCH MYSELF BEYOND RECOGNITION!” Uncle Vernon then started punching himself in the face.

“I… I…” Harry was speechless for a moment. “How do you even think is punishing me?”

“The fool will never again recognize his uncle,” Aunt Petunia said with a laugh.

“Uh… the fire,” Dudley stated, pointing to his flaming clothes where the fire hand now moved to the drapes and the couch. He ran out of the house, clutching his cakes, moving his very fat body with as much speed as he could. The others ran out of the house with him into the pouring rain of the dark night. They all stood for a moment getting soaked, staring on the house now completely ablaze.

“What now?” Harry finally asked.

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia roared with laughter. “Look at little Harry getting soaked because he has no roof over his head!” Uncle Vernon said, barely able to contain himself with the laughter. “What do you think now, boy?”

“This is happening to you, too!” Harry yelled. “Again, we could have just been sitting inside for a peaceful evening, but you can’t let up hating for like one night.”

“He really liked having that house,” Aunt Petunia chuckled. “See how upset he is.”

There was a crack of thunder, and they spotted an ominous figure walking toward them. It was the cloaked figure of Voldemort! “I’ve got you now, Harry Potter!” he hissed.

Uncle Vernon groaned. “Is this one of your stupid wizard friends?”

“It’s my nemesis, Lord Voldemort!” Harry yelled. “Come to kill me!”

“Good,” Aunt Petunia declared. “You’re finally getting what’s coming to you.”

“Who are these people?” Voldemort asked, looking cautiously at the Dursleys.

“They’re my aunt and uncle and cousin,” Harry said.

Voldemort nodded as he kept his slit eyes on them. “That one is very fat.”

“My cake is wet,” Dudley moaned as the rain soaked him.

Voldemort smiled. “Anyway, now to kill Harry Potter!”

Uncle Vernon smiled as well. “Yes! And make it a terrible death!”

“I was going to cast Avada Kedavra,” Voldemort said.

Vernon furrowed his brow. “I don’t know what that is. Is that some wizard thing?”

“It’s a spell that will kill him instantly,” Voldemort explained.

“Instantly?!” Uncle Vernon’s face went purple. “That’s too good for him! It needs to be a slow, torturous death!”

“Well, I don’t really have time, see, and…”

“Don’t make excuses!” Uncle Vernon roared. “You come here dressed as a weirdo but won’t even properly kill a boy in a way he deserves! Now wave that silly little stick of yours around and do some proper dark magic. You can test it on us first, and we’ll tell you if your spell is excruciating enough.”

“I don’t want to get tortured to death; I want to eat cake,” said Dudley heavily.

“What is wrong with you people?!” Voldemort blurted out. “I need to kill Harry Potter to fulfill a prophecy and amass vast power, but why do you hate him so intensely?”

"Just look at him!” Uncle Vernon roared. “With his hair… and glasses… and the scar thing… and…” Uncle Vernon looked confused. He turned to Aunt Petunia. “Why do we hate him again?”

“Something to do with my sister.”

“Can I just go live with you?” Harry asked Voldemort.

Voldemort looked surprised. “You want to be a Death Eater?”

“I’ll eat whatever; they don’t feed me.”

Voldemort shrugged and the two of them disapparated. Uncle Vernon was confused for a moment at their sudden disappearance, but then smiled. “There. We got rid of the boy,” he said as the rain poured and his house burned behind him. “It’s a good day.”