The Five Keys to This Election

What the presidential candidates need to focus on

There aren’t actual keys; this is symbolic.

With a presidential election, there are disputes over little issues each day. That’s because pundits need to fill time. But the presidential election is in fact really simple, and who wins is going to come down to five things.

The Five Keys to This Election

The Border

The border is important because it marks where is our country. The president rules inside our border; outside of our border, he has no authority to do anything other than drop bombs. So the border is important.

But where is the border? Some say it’s the line between our country and other countries, but that only applies on land. Everyone talks about the land border, but there is a problem with the land border. No matter if we build a wall all along the land, the land eventually ends and then we hit water and they can just swim around it. So what about the water border?

The American people lots of questions about the water border. Is the border right at the water? That doesn’t seem right. We own some of that water. So where is our border out there? Can we build a water wall to keep in American fish and keep out unAmerican fish? These are the questions a presidential candidate needs to address to win.

Beef Jerky

Beef jerky used to be a cheap treat; why does it now cost more per pound than gold? It’s like ten dollars a bag and you get like five measly strips. At this rate, only the five richest kings of Europe will be able to afford beef jerky. Rich people food will be beef jerky dipped in caviar.

And where is the federal government on this? I don’t know. I don’t know where they are in the dehydrating meat process. But we need a president who will make beef jerky cheaper. I don’t know how — more cows maybe? Or cheaper hydration? I’m not an economist. It’s up to the president to solve that.

Facial Hair

Another big key I think is going to be facial hair. Trump can grow a mustache, but Kamala can’t. That really distinguishes the two candidates. But right now, Trump has no facial hair, so he has no advantage. And what if Kamala puts on a beard with some spirit gum? And what is spirit gum? I’ve only heard it in reference to putting on fake facial hair; I’m pretty sure it’s a thing though I’ve never personally encountered it.

Anyway, the point is facial hair is critical. During the vice presidential debate, JD Vance will be stroking his beard while everyone will notice Tim Walz doesn’t have one and wonder what’s wrong with him. We could have this energy, though, in a debate that actually matters.

Lasers

Another important thing is lasers. Lasers are the technology of tomorrow, and we need a laser president. What is a laser president, though? That’s a good question; let me think on it.

Okay, a laser president is maybe one who wears lasers on his suits that is always giving a big laser show. Or maybe he has laser guns in his hands that can superheat things from a distance. Maybe both.

Can you imagine us with a laser president? Enemies would fear us — fear us and our mastery of lasers. That’s why I think lasers are going to be critical to this election.

Votes

The last key factor in this election is votes. Votes are pretty important. The candidate with the most votes could win. There’s this smart guy — Nate Silver — who runs lots of calculations with numbers, and a lot of those numbers involve votes. According to his calculations, votes are the most critical factor in this election (after facial hair).

Thus, the candidates should try to get votes. How do you get votes? Well, the most important factor with getting votes are the undecided. You see, there are lots of votes from partisans, but they’re going to vote for one side or the other no matter what so you don’t have to worry about them. The ones you need to make the difference are those in the middle, you spend all day just sitting there, thinking nothing, until Election Day when they finally have to activate their rusty neurons and make a decision. Scientists say those sorts of people like bright colors and sound, so try using that to win their votes.

---

So there are all the keys to this election. If you are a candidate running for president, study these. If you’re not, this was kind of pointless. How would this information help you?