The Four Most Notable Things Said at the DNC

I watched the Democratic National Convention so you don't have to

The Democratic National Convention is full of Democrats talking, and no one want to watch that. Still, it’s important to our national election, so I did my duty as a guy who writes on the internet and watched the convention so I can report on anything important that occurred there. Here are the four most interesting things said thus far at the convention.

1. “Look out! A giraffe!”

Early in the convention, a giraffe somehow got loose in the convention. This seemed like another failure of the Secret Service, but they explained they only look out for dangerous humans; none of them look out for giraffes.

2. “Security! Get that giraffe out of Obama’s face!”

Every time Barack Obama tried to speak, the giraffe nuzzled up against his face, interrupting him. Obama has that effect on wild animals — he’s kind of like a Disney princess with birds always fluttering about him. Finally, the Secret Service tried to shoo away the giraffe (even though they kept saying giraffes were not their job).

3. “Oh no! The giraffe grabbed that cop’s gun!”

This quote from the DNC is only partially true; the giraffe had gotten the gun of one of the Secret Service agents who usually aren’t referred to as “cops.” The Secret Service agents then reiterated that giraffes are not their business and fled the scene, leaving the convention to the mercy of the now armed giraffe.

4. “The Democratic Party’s 2024 nominee: a giraffe.”

Luckily, Kamala Harris did the only sensible thing to keep the giraffe from hurting anyone: She handed over the nomination to the ruminant. I think that shows Kamala Harris has the integrity to be a real leader… but she can’t be now because she doesn’t have the Democratic Party nomination. The giraffe does.

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Well, that’s all that happened so far at the DNC that seemed worth paying attention to. You didn’t really miss much.