The Frank Election Guide

What you need to know before you vote

Election Day is near! That’s the time to get out and do democracy, but how should you vote?

Well, I’m glad you asked me. Because most people vote dumb, but I’ll help you out.

Now, when you get your ballot, there will be a lot of things to vote for. You will have your Congressman to vote for. You may also be voting on a Senator and/or a Governor. There will also be more local votes for like your county or something — a lot of them for positions you never even heard of — but only weird losers pay attention to those.

But the big one is the Presidential election. There are two candidates (who matter) for that position: Donald J. Trump and Kamala Harris. Let’s look at the pros and cons of each of them.

Donald J. Trump

Cons

• Says bad things

• Is maybe Hitler

• May end democracy

Pros

• He’s fun

Kamala Harris

Cons

• Is a Communist

• Boring

• Being exposed to her laugh is considered a war crime

Pros

• Maybe owns a Glock (decent weapon)

So who should you vote for in the presidential election.

Well, first you have to look at one thing, and this is very important: Do you live in North Carolina, Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Nevada, or Arizona?

If the answer is no, then who you vote for in the presidential election just does not matter. Either you’re in a state that basically guaranteed for one candidate or the other or a state that will only come into play if one candidate is having a massive landslide. So if you’re not in one of those seven states, your vote will have zero effect on who wins as president in this universe. If you really want to go out and vote, you can just ignore the vote on president and can instead carefully choose who you want to elect as alderman or one of those other political positions only dorks care about. I saw an ad for a candidate for “Railroad Commissioner.” You can maybe google and figure out what that is, if you want.

Okay, but what if you are in one of those states that actually matter? Well, now you have some thinking to do. You need to carefully consider the two option (you’re not voting third party because you’re not a weirdo) and make a choice. Now, there are very good arguments that either of those two choices could lead to the destruction of democracy or our country as we know it. So you should vote for whomever you think is least likely to destroy everything… unless you’re one of those people itching for revolution. Then vote for whomever is most likely to destroy everything.

Or you can just do what I do and vote for whomever has an R next to his or her name ‘cause you don’t like Democrats. Grr, Democrats.

There’s your voting guide. Hope you pick the right Railroad Commissioner because who knows what happens if you don’t.