The Frank J. Guide to Punching a Monkey

We all want to punch a monkey, but how is it done?

Monkeys — everyone wants to punch them, but few know how. That’s why I’ve made this guide. By following my steps, your dreams can come true.

1. Locate a monkey

First, to punch a monkey, you must find one. Well, if you’re in North America like me, the only place nearby with monkeys are zoos. But you can’t punch monkeys in zoos. For one, you have to bribe the zoo keepers a lot. Secondly, it’s just not sporting when they’re in a cage. You want the true monkey-punching experience.

So, to find a monkey to punch in a sporting manner, you need to go to South America, Asia, or Africa. Those are the places with monkeys. Be careful, though, if in Africa as there are also apes there like gorillas and chimpanzees. A lot of people call those monkeys, but this guide does not cover punching them. If you punch them, they will most likely rip your face off with their teeth.

2. Lure the monkey into arm’s length

Okay, so you’re in South America or Africa and have found a monkey (not an ape). How do you punch it? Well, the first step is to lure it into arm’s length so that your punch will connect. Now, there are ways to punch a monkey that isn’t at arm’s length such things as a gun that launches a boxing glove as would be used by the Joker or Harley Quinn (girl Joker). Those are highly illegal, though, so we will not be covering them. If you see a gun that launches a boxing glove, report it to the ATF.

So you will need to get the monkey to move close to you so it will be at arm’s length for the punch. The best way to do that is to bring a banana and show that to the monkey.

The only problem is that not all monkeys are familiar with what a banana is. You may need to first explain to the monkey that a banana is tasty. It may help to eat one yourself while the monkey watches. So make sure to bring two bananas.

Now, the monkey should approach to get that tasty banana. And when it’s in arm’s length, we go to our next step.

But I’m not sharing it for free. I’m tired of giving away valuable information for no money. If you want the final step, you need a paid subscription. Sorry not sorry. If you don’t pay up, you’re just going to sit there watching that monkey eat your precious banana with no idea what to do next.

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