The Greatest Threat to Hyrule

Ganon is threatening the land once again, but that's not Princess Zelda's biggest problem

The royal advisor approached Princess Zelda with a solemn look on his face. “There is a grave threat to this kingdom, Princess — one I’m afraid we may not survive.”

Zelda nodded. “We’re all well aware of the machinations of Ganon.”

The advisor looked confused. “The what?”

Zelda met his confusion with her own. “How’s he’s seized the Triforce of Power and is threatening to plunge all our land into eternal darkness where the forces of evil will thrive.” Zelda pointed out the window where one could see black clouds over Death Mountain casting an ominous shadow over a growing area of land.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that,” the advisor said.

“You forgot?” Zelda gasped. “Ganon’s evil minions kidnapped the king! That’s why you’re talking to me and not him!”

The advisor waved a dismissive hand. “Yes, I was vaguely aware of all that. It’s just I’ve been focusing on a much bigger threat to the kingdom.”

“A much bigger threat than all the land being overrun with monsters while the sun becomes a distant memory?” Zelda asked incredulously.

“I’m afraid so,” the advisor said gravely. “Let me ask you this: What are the main industries of Hyrule?”

“Well, there is the dairy industry,” Zelda answered. “All the cows at Lon Lon Ranch.”

“Correct. And what else.”

Zelda thought some more. “There are potions. The kingdom of Hyrule is known for its fabulous potions.”

“All right. And can you think of any other industries?”

“Well... um... I’ve seen less common things like bugs or live fish.”

The advisor nodded. “Very good. Now, Princess Zelda, how does one go about purchasing milk, or a potion, or a live fish?”

“Again, we are dealing with the threat of Ganon ending our very way of life,” Zelda said. “I don’t understand why you’re asking me these basic questions.”

“Just humor me, Princess.”

Zelda sighed. “Fine. Well, to purchase... let’s say a potion... I hand over some rupees, and I get the potion.”

“Get the potion in what?” asked the advisor.

“Oh... um... you need to have an empty bottle for it to go in.”

And the advisor folded his hands together. “And where, praytell Princess, does one get an empty bottle?”

Zelda thought long and hard about this. “I don’t... I don’t really know.”

“But you have bottles, right?”

“Well, not bottles. I have a single bottle,” Zelda said.

“You, the Princess, one of the richest people in all the land, has only one bottle?” the advisor asked.

“Yes, I would like another bottle as right now, if I want both milk and a potion, I’m kind of out of luck,” Zelda said. “I’ve requested another bottle, but so far, no one has been able to get me one.”

“That’s because, Princess, an empty bottle is one of the rarest items in all the land,” the advisor declared. “No one knows where they come from or how to make more. Only a handful are known to exist in all the land, and only on a rare occasion is a new one found in some cave at the end of some long, complicated quest.”

Zelda frowned. “Oh. That’s weird.”

“What’s weirder, though, is, as you pointed out, most of our main industries — dairy, potions, fish, and bugs — require someone to have an empty bottle for someone to make a purchase,” the advisor explained. “So, a bottle is an item few ever see, but we have an almost entirely bottle-based economy. Do you see the problem here?”

Zelda thought about it. “I guess not many people can make purchases if you need a bottle but few have one.”

“No, not many people can make purchases at all,” the advisor said, “and thus our economy is on the verge of a complete collapse.”

“Well, I mean, there are some things you can buy without an empty bottle,” Zelda pointed out. “Merchants often sell arrows and... bombs.” Zelda thought about that for a second. “We sure have lots of places that sell bombs.”

“But don’t also forget about the problem of inflation,” the advisor said.

“Inflation?”

“The devaluing of our currency by there being too much of it,” the advisor explained. “Usually, you wouldn’t have both few purchases and inflation, but we have a unique situation.”

“How so?”

“What’s the easiest way to get rupees, Princess?”

Zelda thought for a moment. “Well, if I need just a few more, I just go outside and cut some grass. Usually, I find some.”

“Yes, just a few minutes of cutting grass will get you a large supply of rupees,” the advisor said. “Also, you can go around breaking pots which are just lying around for some reason.”

“Hmm... I wonder how the rupees get there?” Zelda asked. “Could it be fairies?”

“If it is, then fairies are a larger threat to our people than moblins,” the advisor said. “Thanks to them, our currency is essentially worthless.”

“Oh, that does seem like quite a problem,” Zelda admitted. “We’ll have to rethink our economy as soon as Ganon is defeated. And I think Link is making great progress toward that end; he just beat the water temple!”

The advisor raised an eyebrow. “Link?”

“The boy questing to defeat Ganon.”

“Oh, I thought his name was Zelda.”

“No, I’m Zelda. Why does everyone think his name is Zelda?”

The advisor shrugged. “Despite the name confusion, I have heard all about the fabled four-bottle-boy.”

“Oh, yes he does have four bottles,” Zelda said. “But he needs those for his questing. He keeps a potion in one, fairies in two — for worse case scenarios — and then he likes to keep one bottle empty just in case there’s something he’d like to pick up with it.”

The advisor frowned. “What a privilege it must be to have so many bottles he can choose to leave one empty.”

“But he needs that to beat Ganon,” Zelda said.

“Ganon is not our biggest problem,” the advisor replied. “I keep trying to get you to see that. We have a citizenry unable to purchase essential goods because of a lack of bottles. And this angry citizenry has a huge wealth of rupees with basically only two things to spend it on: arrows and bombs. Do you see where this is headed, Princess?”

Zelda frowned. “Oh. That... that could go poorly for us. What do you think we should do?”

“I say you invite this Link to the palace,” the advisor said. “Say you have some special information to give him. Then, we clonk him on the head, tie him up, and take all his bottles.”

“But if we do that to Link, Ganon will surely win.”.

The advisor smiled. “Exactly. He will rule over all this land, and thus its economic problems will become his problems. And I’m sure his rule will quickly collapse because of it. Then we retake power and rebuild with Ganon getting blamed for everything.”

Zelda frowned even more. “That doesn’t sound like a nice plan.”

“Hey, listen,” the advisor urged, “this is pretty much our only option. The citizenry is out there right now buying bombs. Years from now, people will tell the legend of Zelda — the incompetent ruler who was quickly overthrown after fiscal collapse.”

Zelda nodded. “Okay. We’ll let Ganon win so he gets the blame.”

“We’ll just need to hide out a while until the angry citizenry with all their bombs turn their wrath on Ganon,” the advisor said.

“I think I’ll head out to sea,” Zelda stated. “I’ve always wanted to be a pirate captain.”

The advisor furrowed his brow. “Sure. And while we’re away, we can work on a strategy for a better economy after we rebuild things.”

“I have an idea!” Zelda exclaimed. “What if we make it that weapons are so brittle that they break after only a few uses so you constantly have to buy new ones?”

The advisor just stared at her. “That... that’s a terrible idea.” He then muttered to himself, “I should see if Ganon is hiring.”